


Broad Daylight

by RosesforWolves



Category: Scandal (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-11-27 23:45:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/667839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosesforWolves/pseuds/RosesforWolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III has just become President of the United States. But he has a secret. But he doesn't want her to be a secret. He wants to hold her hand and kiss in the light.<br/>He wants her to be his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Come Round Soon

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic in a very long time. Scandal has just enamored me and I have so many ideas for this fic and others. I will posting on here as well as fanfiction.net (o:  
> Leave feedback, ideas, etc etc!  
> Also, I own none of the characters!

I could use another cigarette..  
But don't worry daddy,  
I'm not addicted.  
Yet...

“Tell me to stop,” Fitzgerald panted into Olivia's ear as his lips met her moist neck. She simply moaned in response. “Tell me to stop and I will.” She turned to face him and looked into his eyes. They silently stared at each other for what felt like decades, no words needing to be said. He knew she wanted to have the courage to resist him. He knew that he was being selfish not letting her go. He knew it was tearing Olivia apart to be in this, knowing it was so much deeper than just an affair.

“Fitz...” She whispered. She closed the space between them placing her hands on his chest. “We said we would stop.” 

“We tried that and look what happened.” 

After months of bliss together on his campaign trail, they came to an agreement that the affair would have to end when he made it to the White House. They thought it would be easier this way, seeing as he was becoming ruler of the free world. By placing a deadline on their relationship, it was suppose to make everything crystal. But it only made things worse. It got to the point where Fitz was ready to leak something to the press to ruin his chances of winning, the thought of not being with Olivia becoming a nightmare that he never wanted to live. The realization that he could not live without her became clear while dancing with Mellie at one of the many inaugural balls he was forced to attend that night. Looking at Mellie, having to pretend that she was the reason he woke up and smiled in the morning was too much of a burden to him. All he could think of was Liv and how magnificent she would look in a gown designed just for her, just for this night. Their night and what they worked so hard for together. He thought of all the jokes he would lean in and whisper into her ear to make her release that goofy and obnoxious laugh. The way she would look up at him as they waltz around the stage, mouthing “I love you”. This woman was more than just an escape from his wife: she was his savior, his universe, his ability to become a better man. 

Olivia laughed sarcastically. “We tried for what, all of ten hours?”

“Point five milliseconds away from you is an eternity. I don't want...I can't live without you.”

“Look around you. Look where we are!” Fitz didn't care. He refused to remove his gaze from her majestic face to look at his new office shaped in the most random shape known to man. 

“Why oval?” He thought out loud.

“What?”

“Of all the shapes they could have modeled this placed after, an oval? Why not something kinky like a rhombus or parallelogram?” She tried to hide it but the snort escaped her throat quickly. Liv's chest was heaving with laughter, her eyes shut and hand on her chest. She loved when Fitz would get distracted and bring up random topics that had nothing to do with anything. 

“President Grant, you...you are crazy.”

“I am. Crazy in love with you.” She walked away from him and sat on top of his desk. He couldn't get the image of his first piece of official presidential business being Olivia. Right on that desk. He watched her as she placed her head in her hands, worry and confusion radiating from her. He wanted to take it all away; he just wanted her to be happy.

Fitz walked to Olivia and cupped her chin in his hand. 

“I only want to see you smiling. I only want to see you happy.” Her round chocolate chip eyes caught his and he could feel her calm down a bit.

“I keep telling myself that this is wrong. This is all so wrong. But, when I think of you, I just can't deem what we have as a sin. Its killing me. Mellie...”

“Don't. Don't do that. Don't you deem yourself as the other woman.”

“I am.” 

“You know better than that! Do you know who you are?” She shook her head.

“I honestly do not know who I am anymore. I have done so many things against my moral code in the past year.”

“I know who you are.” She chuckled.

“And who am I, Mr. President?”

“You are Olivia Carolyn Pope. First Lady of the United States of America.” She glared at him maliciously. 

“Fitzgerald—“

“My heart belongs to you. My soul belongs to you. You are the most intelligent person I have ever met. You are my woman. You are my First Lady.” Her gaze softened and she placed her hands on his cheeks gently. 

“Oh Fitz...” He closed the space between them and met her sweet plump lips. Her arms wrapped around his neck as he pinned her to the desk. Their tongues met, dancing against each other like two soldiers in battle. His hands snaked under her dress, caressing her soft thighs sending a moan from her throat. She loved when he touched her thighs; it was her spot. It never failed to drive her wild. Olivia ripped his shirt open, the tension in the room eliminating all possible cares of cleaning up their tracks after everything was done. She ran her hands down his chest as if it was the first time. His sculpted abs a gift of perfection. Their lips collided again as Fitz slowly removed her lace thong and dropped it to the floor. He broke the kiss and gazed at the angel underneath him. He was about to make love to the love of his life in the home of his lifelong dream. As wrong as this scenario may seem on the outside, this was perfection to him. Liv bit her lip seductively and ran her fingers through his perfectly positioned curls. 

“What are you thinking?” She asked. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him to her. She began to unbuckle his slacks.

“Of you. How perfect you are. How perfect this day has become simply because of you. All the time without you during the day was painful.But this morning and now...perfect. ” She smiled as his pants fell to the floor.

“Well, Mr.President, it is my job to fix things.” Fitz couldn't help but smile at her wit. 

“I think I have another problem that you can fix.” He replied with extra bass.

“Oh? Let me see...” She looked down at his glaring hard on and smiled. 

“Think you can handle it?” She sent waves of fire into him with her eyes, her nails digging into his back heightening his excitement.

“Consider it handled.”


	2. Ten Minutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look,” She straightened up and wiped invisible dust off her pants. “I have a lot of things to do today and I don't need to have my time wasted. So, if you have nothing to say to me I can just g—“  
>  “I don't want to do it anymore.” He cut her off, the remainder of her sentence catching in her throat.   
>  “Don't w-want to do what anymore?” Fear spilled over her, a feeling of nausea coming up. Olivia doesn't do fear; fear makes her sick...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so blindsided by the response I'm getting via tumblr, FF.com and even here. You guys are awesome. Seriously. Thug Tears. (o: I'll try to keep updates pretty steady, but sometimes school stuff will occupy my time (but lets get real, NFTG about school).

You may be my final match  
'Cause I chase everything   
when you play throw and I play catch  
It never took much to keep me satisfied  
But all the bullshit you feed me   
you miss me  
You need me  
This hungry heart will not subside

 

Olivia stared at the clock above the door to her office. The seconds hand seemed to tick slower and slower each time she blinked her eyes. “Ten minutes” he had said to her exactly three and half and three milliseconds ago. She was on her way to her office when he stopped her in the corridor. His grey eyes seemed to pull her soul of her body, no words needing to be said. She knew what that look meant. The look of needing, the look of anguish. The “Ten minutes” look. So here she was, sitting in her office unable to even fathom doing work, because he needed her. She needed him. She would drop the world if it meant being with Fitz. She knew she had so much to complete before the day was over: calming the press over the growing soldier casualties in Afghanistan, complete the guest list for the welcome dinner in honor of the French president coming up in a few weeks and warn a few senators to get their sex drives under control. That was all just before two.   
She looked down at the papers overviewing the issues in Afghanistan and attempted to read, but every other word she found her focus back at the clock. She took a deep breath and sighed.

“Olivia Pope, get it together! This man does not own you!” She said to herself. But he did. No matter how badly she wanted to deny it, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III owned every possible ounce of her being. It disgusted her but elated her simultaneously. She was never one to let others have control over her. After her father left her and her mother when she was eleven, she learned quickly that the only person you can trust is yourself. The only one who can control your destiny is you, and she took that mentality to every aspect of her life. She ignored boys and instead threw herself into school. She knew the entire constitution by hart by the end of her first semester in high school, could quote the bill of rights like her favorite song and would sometimes take over teaching class when her teachers were blatantly ignorant on certain subjects. She was first in her class at Boston University all while working her way through school (never allowing Cyrus to help her financially). She was independent and strong and brilliant. Even when she was dating Edison for all those years she never let him have too much control. If anything Olivia controlled him and she liked it that way. 

When Fitz came into the picture everything changed. The moment she laid eyes on him she felt something inside her shift. All the men she has dated and been attracted too, there was something about Fitzgerald that just...shook her. She ignored it, never tried to get to the bottom of the feeling, but the more she spent time with him, the stronger the feeling grew. She felt physically sick sometimes just looking at him, his presence confusing her mind and body. She loved that man on an unhealthy level that couldn't be explained. It scared her. Olivia hated being scared because fear meant uncertainty. Fixers cannot be uncertain. Ever.

She looked at the clock just as it struck 12:05:00. Ten minutes on the dot. She jumped out her chair and stormed out her office, shouting to her assistant Britta that she would be back soon. She ignored everyone who yelled her name as she marched to the Rose Garden. No one else mattered in this moment. Teleportation couldn't get her to her man fast enough.   
The sun was shining brightly as the brisk March air met her skin. She didn't bother to grab her coat, her anticipation once again clouding her judgement. She brought her hands to arms and rubbed them quickly trying to radiate warmth. She walked to the bench underneath the willow tree and sat down. She heard his footsteps pounding the pathway, a wide smile growing on her lips. When she looked up he was there with a worn expression on his face.

“Whats wrong, Fitz?” She stood up and brushed a curl back from his face. He took her hand and led her back towards the White House. Olivia was confused. He led them to the door to his study, one of the only rooms that didn't have cameras. He sat on the couch and stared into the distance. Olivia was still standing, watching him. 

“Fitzgerald.” 

“I didn't want you to get cold out there.”

“Save the excuses for someone who can't see through them. What is going on?” He motioned for her to sit next to him which she did. He wouldn't look at her which was freaking her out. Something was really bothering him, something he was contemplating not telling her. 

“Look,” She straightened up and wiped invisible dust off her pants. “I have a lot of things to do today and I don't need to have my time wasted. So, if you have nothing to say to me I can just g—“

“I don't want to do it anymore.” He cut her off, the remainder of her sentence catching in her throat. 

“Don't w-want to do what anymore?” Fear spilled over her, a feeling of nausea coming up. Olivia doesn't do fear; fear makes her sick.

“This!” He stood up and motioned to his office. 

“Wait...you don't want to be President anymore?” He nodded. Olivia laughed out of relief that it wasn't their relationship he wanted to end but also out of confusion.

“Fitz, you have to be joking.”

“Do I look like I'm joking?” He was looking at her sternly. He was serious. She walked over to him.

“Do you have any idea how much people have done for you? How much was sacrificed to get you here? And you just want to give it up after three months?” She refused to think of all the things they did to get Fitz in the oval.

“You don't understand.”

“What is there to understand? Fitz, you want this. This is your dream! You don't want to just give it up!” 

“You don't know what I want!” He moved away from her again. Her Fitz was always invading her personal space, never letting her away. Something happened. “Liv, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hiding you.” She sighed loudly.  
“Mr. President—“

“Don't you do that! Do not belittle me, Olivia! I am so sick of living a lie! I have never wanted anything the way I wanted to become President. For as long as I could remember this job was the only thing that was sure in my life. Running this country was my dream, my destiny, no matter what my father or Mellie or anyone told me.” Olivia turned her eyes to the window, watching the willow's bare branches blow in the wind. “Then came you.” She felt his gaze on her. “You threw me a curve ball and I couldn't catch it. I'm still trying to catch it. I never knew love like you could exist, at least not in my life. I need you and because of this job, I can't have you.” 

She felt her chest contracting, her heart beating rapidly. She hated it when he talked about her like that, like she was better than anything in the world. 

“Look at me, Liv.” He took a step closer. “Livi.” His hands met her waist and his scent overtook her; sweet musk and pine. She didn't want to look at him.“You are the only thing that matters.” 

“You have a wife.” She composed herself and turned to him, his grip on her waist not wavering. 

“I do.”

“You are the President.”

“Sadly.”

“Of the United States of America.”

“I am aware.” He added a smirk that made her roll her eyes. “Tell me that you don't want to end this all and just run away.”

“And where would we go? Utah? Fitz, listen to yourself!”

“You know I don't love Mellie. I love this job but I can't love it if I can't have you.”

“Then I'll leave.” His eyes turned into small slits.

“Don't even joke about that.”

“I'm not!” She built up the strength to look into his eyes to show she meant business. She was melting regardless. 

“I can't get anything done with you beckoning me to you every other hour. I'm not myself here. I need to find myself again.” He rested his head on her shoulder.

“Don't leave me.” He whispered. Olivia felt tears in her eyes but pushed them away. She picked his head up.

“Don't threaten to leave the White House. We need to keep this relationship professional. Neither of us can handle anything else.” 

“I can't—“

“I swear to God Fitzgerald Grant I will leave this position and leave this town and go make jam somewhere in the country if I ever hear you talk about resigning from the position of President. For me or for anything. Do you understand me?” He averted her gaze but she pulled his head back. “Do you understand me?” He nodded slowly. “Good. Are we done here?” He nodded again. He looked more downtrodden than when she first saw him fifteen minutes ago. “Good day, Mr. President.”

“Goodbye Madam First Lady.” She glared at him then left the study quickly. She practically ran back to her office, ignoring whatever Britta yelled to her as she shut her office door. Her emotions were all over the place. She hated herself for feeling a tinge of excitement that Fitz wanted to leave all of this to be with her. But she knew better. She did things to get him here, things she could never forgive herself for but also would not let be in vain. No matter how deeply she felt for him, he needed to be here. He was what the world needed and she would not sacrifice the wellbeing of millions of people simply because her heart ached when he was away from her.   
So she looked down at the files on her desk, forcing her mind to concentrate on her tasks. But she just found herself staring at the clock again, waiting for the next ten minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, Kudo! Leave thoughts blah blah blah. (o:  
> Oh, and the lyrics in this one (and the last. probably next couple) are from Come Round Soon by Sara Bareilles.


	3. Don't Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You own me. And that scares the shit out of me because I want to own myself. I don't want you to own me. I don't want to want you anymore. I want to hate you, I want you to stop being sweet to me and begging me to meet you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (o:

_My hands are shaking_  
This is a complicated love with me  
Keep your eyes closed, I've seen it baby  
I've seen where this goes

 

She was avoiding him. Every time he passed her in the corridors she wouldn't even breathe in his direction. He would reach for her and she would turn away. He would call her and she wouldn't answer. She was trying to cut him off so that he could do his job. Fitz couldn't do his job without her. At least not with her thinking that ignoring him was the trick. He couldn't blame her for trying. He was the president now, not just a candidate. When he told her he wanted to leave it all to be with her, a different kind of fear spread over her face. Fitz knew Olivia better than anyone: what sets her off, enlightens her and scares her. He knew she was going against everything she believed in being with him, but that had to mean something. If she was able to let everything that mattered before go simply for thinking about him, how wrong could this be? This had to be destiny, pre-written in time long before they were even thought of.

“For a ruler of the free world you look rather relaxed.” Fitz looked up as Cyrus Beene walked into his office. He looked frantic and messy, per usual. Cyrus was always running around cleaning up Fitz's messes and yelling at puppies. He was the best friend he had; the father he never had. 

“Cyrus, what brings you here?” He let Cyrus meet him at his desk. Fitz was relishing in a moment of laziness and just didn't feel like standing up.

“Well, your wife.” Fitz sunk deeper into his chair.

“Why is Mellie going to you to talk to me?”

“That is an excellent question,sir. I found myself asking her that the moment she asked me to look for you.”

“I see that went so well, since you're here.” Cyrus smiled smugly. 

“She hasn't seen you in three days and is wondering if you're doing well. Its strange: your husband works from home and yet you never see him.” 

“She knows where I am.” 

“Maybe she doesn't want to catch you in a moment of...awkwardness.” Cyrus cocked his eyebrows up insinuating something.

“Cyrus.”

“You know you can tell me anything in strictest confidence, Mr. President.” 

“I'm not having an affair if that is whats on your mind.” 

“I know you and Mellie aren't on the best terms right now, but you should really be more careful—“

“Right now? Cyrus, when was the last time my wife and I had a civil conversation? Here's a hint; its been _years_. This distance isn't something new, so lets not act like this office has changed anything for either of us.”

“All I am saying is that you can't just be running around willy nilly anymore! You have the world in your hands now. Remember everything Liv taught you on the trail? That can't end just because you got elected. Her approval rating is _your_ approval rating. She is the apple of America's eye, the modern day Jackie-O. You cross her, you cross America. Get it together, sir.” Cyrus turned to leave the office shouting “She expects you at dinner!” before he exited. 

Fitz turned his chair to look at the frames around his desk. A couple pictures of Jerry and Karen, his wedding photo with Mellie, one with Cyrus and Olivia on the trail... It was his only tangible photo with Liv and he cherished it like the royal jewels. No one said a thing when he placed it on his desk, Cyrus being the perfect shield for the true reason he put the picture up. He could remember that day like it was yesterday. It was at the prayer breakfast in Atlanta, the morning after the greatest night of his life. He could never forget waking up with her wrapped in his arms, her eyes watching him intently. She had been awake for almost an hour, but couldn't bring herself to leave his arms. They had to drag themselves out of bed to get ready for the breakfast, it taking every ounce of their restraint to not forget obligations and spend the day leaving their mark on room 231. He watched her the entire breakfast, constantly needing to have questions and comments repeated to him from his lack of interest. At the end, some press wanted pictures of Fitz with Cyrus. Olivia was in the corner talking to a campaign worker. He called her over and became giddy at the opportunity to touch. It was a moment that he always held onto. Regardless of the path of deception they had began to embark on that day, in that moment she felt like his. Their arms wrapped around each other's waist and her body leaning into his. The world was seeing them as Fitz and Olivia; at least in their minds. 

“How was your day, honey?” Mellie was cutting into her steak, not really watching Fitz as he sat down at the table.

“Busy but productive. What did you do today?” He just looked down at his plate, the more than likely delicious meal looking less than appetizing to him. 

“Lovely. I spent the day going to various soup kitchens. Came this close to spilling green beans on my Chanel skirt. The day could have turned quite deadly in an instant!” Fitz smiled out of courtesy, clearly uninterested in the close call. 

“You seem distracted.” She said plainly.

“Like I said, busy day. A lot on my mind.”

“Is it Afghanistan?” He looked up at her. She was staring at him and the mass amount of food on her plate evidence that she had been watching him since he sat down. 

“I'm not going to discuss foreign policy with you at the dinner table.”

“And why not? Lets not forget that I am not just some pretty housewife. I am a Harvard Law graduate. First in my class.I have nothing but political brilliance locked underneath this Chanel skirt, _dear_.” The added emphasis on the term of endearment hit Fitz in the wrong way. She was being spiteful per usual. It felt like she was dangling his being locked in this marriage in his face. 

“Now,” she continued. “You should go in there and show the Afghans that you mean business. The rise of suicide bombings near the embassy is not coincidental. The government has to have a hand in this and you need to send them a message that screams this is America and we do not just blindly turn away when the security of our soldiers is being compromised. Especially not after years of supporting the damn place!” She spit the words out as if it were just normal everyday banter. There was no middle ground with Mellie, she always meant business. It was one of the things that originally attracted him to her. She was strong and commanding, very similar to his father but in a softer way. They clicked in the beginning, but life always finds a system to get in the way. Her ambitions became his and their marriage suffered. 

“Mellie, I did not ask for your thoughts on the situation. You do your job and I will do mine.”

“And what is my job, Fitz? Giving soup to below the poverty line losers who can't get their asses out of bed and get a job? Reading to idiot children at schools and tell their ignorant parents to get them vaccinated? Pretend to be interested in the décor of the White House? We both know better. We both know I am _better_ than this!”

“That sounds like a personal problem.” Fitz pushed his plate away and got up from the table. “It seems to me that you seriously misinterpreted the job of being First Lady. And not just with me.” He knew she didn't understand the end of his comment as he walked out the dining room. She had no clue that he meant she could never be his First Lady. Olivia had that place, she reported to that job.

He needed to see her. This was getting ridiculous. He couldn't tell the exact amount of time thats passed since he last touched her. It didn't really matter in his mind since every moment away from her felt like eternity. He knew she was probably at home, but something was telling him to check their spot. It was like her energy was still here pulling him to her. The air outside was brisk but still comfortable, the feelings of spring beginning to set in. He saw her in the center of the garden pacing. He had to take a moment to take her in, the setting making her look magical. The flowers were just begging to bloom, the buds sprouting towards her like she was mother earth. Something was on her mind: besides the look of distress on her face, she was pacing in circles.

“What happened?” She jumped at the sound of his voice but didn't turn to face him.

“What are you doing here?”

“You're pacing in circles so something is wrong. What happened?”

“Whether or not something is bothering me is none of your business, Mr. President.” Fitz sighed loudly out of frustration. She was trying so hard to fight him and it was only making them both frustrated. She knew she couldn't resist him and Fitz knew he would never stop pestering her until she gave in. 

“Wrong. It is entirely my business. If it has to do with you, I need to be involved.” 

“For what?” She turned sharply and glared at him. He hasn't been this close to her in ions and all he wanted to do was reach out and wrap his hands in her curls. 

“When are you going to realize that there is nothing left for us to talk about? I thought I made myself clear that we cannot do this anymore. There is no future here.”

“Stop it.” He took two steps towards her.

“No! You stop acting like a child!”

“Stop pushing me away. I'm not budging. I am not going anywhere!”

“Then I will!” He grabbed her arms and pulled her into him. Her hands were pounding on his chest, trying to get away. “Let me go!”

“Stop fighting me. Stop fighting this!” She gave one good push and they separated.

“How can I not fight you?” Her voice was low and quivering. Her eyes were moist with tears, something Fitz has only seen a few times since meeting Olivia. 

“I don't know what to do without you. I see you...I see you and my entire day changes. Whenever I close my eyes I see you; I hear your voice when you aren't around. I barely sleep because you aren't with me. Its physically hard for me to function without you. You control me. You _own_ me. And that scares the shit out of me because I want to own myself. I don't want you to own me. I don't want to want you anymore. I want to hate you, I want you to stop being sweet to me and begging me to meet you. I can't d—“

“No!” Fitz roared cutting her off. He was filled with so much rage and hurt by her words. The fact that she had the audacity to denounce them to just some spring break fling dug into him. 

“You don't get to do that! How _dare you Olivia_.” The shock on her face was comforting to Fitz, but he had no plans on letting her off easy. “How dare you come here and tell me that what we have is pointless? That all the time we spent together was a waste? That loving me is wrong? I own you? Sweet baby, you own _me_. You want to talk about who controls who, here? I can't remember the last time I had a good day because every time I have seen you recently you have had that scowl on your face. Everything you feel _I_ feel. You _control me_. And the funny thing about it is, it doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me that you own me, I _want_ you to control me. I love you. I am in love with you. I will gladly let you dismantle my heart in this life and the next if it means somehow being connected to you. 

“I have made decisions in my life, ones that I regret, but I cannot take them back. I can't go back in time and not marry Mellie, but god I wish I could. I would wait every moment until you walked past me in the street if it meant we could finally be together.But I can't do that. I can just stand here and tell you that _you_ , Olivia Pope, are the love of my life. I can't change that I love you and you cannot change that you love me. We exist for each other. We are in this together!” 

Olivia was staring at him, her lips parted slightly in awe. Fitz was breathless at his rant, all these pent up emotions falling out of him like a waterfall. He felt lighter, everything he had been dying to say to her over the past weeks finally being released. Her bottom lip began to tremble as a lone tear slipped out her right eye. Fitz hated seeing Olivia cry; it was extremely out of character and it made him uncomfortable. It was even worse since his words drove her here. 

“Livi...”

“Don't say another word.” She choked out. The pain in her mahogany eyes ate away at him. She inched closer to him and Fitz readied himself for a slap. Instead, she grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck and thrust her lips onto his. It was a slow yet passionate kiss, their lips moving seamlessly against each other like fresh woven silk. Fitz was so elated to be back in her embrace that he failed to notice tears of his own were slipping from his eyes. This woman brought him to tears with a simple kiss. But then again, this wasn't a simple kiss, but a symbol of their entire existence. 

When their lips parted, Olivia placed her hands on Fitz's face.

“You make me feel like an asshole.” She said quietly. Fitz chuckled quietly. 

“You said it, not me.” He placed a gentle kiss on her nose which released a contented sigh from her. “Say it.” 

She looked into his eyes, fear no longer near her. “I love you. I am madly in love with you.”

“Don't you ever give up on us again, understand?” She nodded which eased him. 

“We are in this.” She whispered. 

“Together?” She gave him a confident smile and he instantly felt joy through his veins.

“Together.” 

 


	4. Keep Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stay the course. Handle your life. Do not get funny. This isn't theoretical anymore. We are here, in the most powerful building in the world and one wrong move lands us all in prison. I don't know about you, but I can tell orange isn't a popular color in your fashionista closet so I'd take that advice and run with it.”

_From a distance my choice is simple_   
_From a distance I can entertain_   
_So you can see me..._   
_But there's no way you can feel it_   
_From so far away_

 

Olivia could not recall the last time she was happy. Not content, but truly, honestly, unashamedly and genuinely happy. She forced herself to let it all go, the process much easier than she ever anticipated. Her mind was still trying to fight her, but her heart was much more powerful. The questioning thoughts would always come when she was with him. When he would be off on a tangent her morality would set in and pick away at her as she would watch him. She would shut her eyes and force the thoughts away; she refused to destroy what they were growing to be. But no matter how hard she fought the demons from picking at her mind, they were always resurfacing, and right on time. Fitz could see her mind racing and would have to pull her back. Just touching her face or a soft “Hey” would be enough for her, but it still shook her. How could she ever let herself completely belong to him if she was always holding herself back?

But tonight in her cabin during their weeklong stay at Camp David to prepare for his first State of the Union speech it all changed. They were laying on the living room floor by the fire, covered in blankets and love. Olivia was resting on a few pillows, glass of wine in hand as Fitz rambled on about why lowering the cost of college for students was pivotal to the economy and future of the country. Olivia was listening intently as she always did when Fitz spoke; he spoke so eloquently regardless of the severity or casualness of the subject. He captured you with his words. And that voice...the deep baritone capturing you like a siren song...just the thought of him saying a simple “Hi” sent a shiver down her spine. As she watched him something suddenly came over her. He was the same, but suddenly he just...it was like he was glowing. Everything about him was suddenly accentuated. The way he clenched and unclenched his jaw when he spoke about something he was passionate about, the soft curls running rampant above his precious mind, the gentle laugh lines that brightened his face...It was like she was seeing this man for the first time. And she was hopelessly in love with him. She knew she loved him;she knew she was _in_ love with him. But in this moment it finally became clear that there was nothing else in the world that could touch her the way simply looking at Fitz could. He was everything and he belonged to her.

“Livvie?” The sound of her name snatched her out of her epiphany.

“Yes?”

“What are you thinking?” There was a hint of worry in his eyes and she was so glad to be able to put this worry at ease for once. She placed her glass on the table and inched closer to him.

“I love you. I was just thinking of how much I love you.” Her response came out slightly weak and scared. It was scary to be so deeply in love with someone. There was so much uncertainty in it, especially a love on this level. They could adore each other from Camp David to Versailles, but that does nothing to stop life from getting in the way.

A huge smile came to Fitz's lips as he pulled Olivia to his chest.

“I love hearing you say you love me. I will never get over knowing you are mine.” She took a deep breath and took him in. She felt so safe branded onto his chest, he felt like home.

“How long do you think we can make this last?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well...we can't sneak around like this forever. There is no such thing as secrets in this world. Dirty little secrets always come out.”

“Hey.” She looked into the deep ocean of his blue eyes and prepared herself to be swept away by whatever words were about to escape those golden lips.

“You are _not_ a dirty little secret. You are the love of my life. I will shout that on top of any mountain or hill you give me.”

“How about a live presidential press conference?” She joked.

“Done.” He had a seriousness in his eyes that scared Olivia.

“I was joking, by the way.”

“I wasn't.”

“I know. You get this crazy gleam in your eye when you are really passionate about something. Freaks me out.”

“Why is that?” She paused for a moment and thought about how often he would have that look.

“Because you always have it when you look at me.” He scooped her up suddenly so that they were facing each other. His hands were stationed on her neck, his thumbs caressing her cheeks gently.

“I will never stop reminding you of how pivotal to my life you are. I need you more than air. I wasted forty-eight years of my life without you and there is no way I am ever letting you go again.” Their foreheads met and Olivia sighed deeply. She felt so close to him in this moment, like they were one entity. Their heartbeats were on the same rhythm, their breathing rushing at the same soft pace.

“You are mine.” Fitz whispered as he placed a gentle kiss on her collarbone.He placed gentle kisses on her neck, cheeks and finally her lips.

“Promise me. Promise me that you will always love me. No matter what I do or how hard I push...never let me go.”

“Sweet baby, I could never let you go. You could shoot me point blank, it wouldn't matter.”

“You are everything I always dreamed I could have. You were a dream and now here you are.”

“Here I am.” He smiled against her lips as he rolled on top of her. He cocked his eyebrow at her, a smug smile on his lips.

“Are you actually asking for permission?”

“Of course not! But the look on your face was so worth the allusion.” She licked his lips which sent him on his trek down her body. She tried to brace herself for the moments of ecstasy headed her way, but she could never prepare herself. Fitz had a tremendous gift and he loved to flaunt it. The things that man could do with his tongue surely had to be a sin in some religious book. She felt his lips on her inner thigh sending a wave of pleasure throughout her body. She closed her eyes tightly, moans already leaving her simply from anticipation. She was nearly undone when she finally felt his majestic kiss on her lower lips. She was no longer in control of her own body, the power of Fitzgerald's touch simply too otherworldly to handle. Her back arched as his tongue slipped and twisted inside her. The euphoria she was experiencing was all she needed to keep herself here with Fitz forever. There was no doubt in her mind that this man was all she would ever need for remainder of her life.

* * *

 

“Cyrus! Did you hear what happened?” Olivia burst into his office in a frantic sweat. She literally ran through the corridors of the White House in her four inch Jimmy Choo's to get to him, her disbelief on the situation guiding her fear.

“About?” He got out of his chair and led her to the couch. He closed the door.

“Cytron!”

“Oh. That.” He sat down next to her. He was so calm.

“How can you look that calm? Hollis had those innocent people killed!”

“Keep your voice down! Look, those people dying is sad, tragic even, but you cannot let this get in your head.” Olivia looked at her mentor in shock. Cyrus has always been a realistic and to the point kind of man, but she never thought his humanity would completely vanish.

“Those people _died_. And for what? So we could keep our asses out of the line of fire?”

“Do you remember why we are here? Do you remember all we had to do to get _here_? The sweat, the tears the broken hearts...all of that cannot just vanish because a silly kid wants to get his name in the local paper!”

“We did bad things, Cyrus. Really bad things and now innocent people are dying because of it! I only wanted to get Fitz in office...all of this...this is so wrong!” She got up and walked to the window. She watched the city move quickly outside; just a normal day in the city of politics.

“Olivia. We did what we had to do to get Fitz here. This country deserves this man. We had the means to give the country what it needed and so we did. I refuse to lose sleep over it because we did the right thing. The country is better now, we are all better now. This is what we do. We are the shadows that go bump in the night while Fitz sleeps soundly. It is our _job_. So if a few people had to be sacrificed to keep Fitz's preciously curled head from waking from his peaceful slumber, it is a risk I am more than willing to indulge in. Those people died in the name of their country, in the name of the goodwill for all men and for the protection of the 44 th president of the United States of America.”

Olivia stared at Cyrus in disbelief. How could he equate the innocent death of these people as an act of patriotism? They didn't choose to die, the decision was made for them. Just as the decision to get Fitz into office was made for him. God did he want to win, but he would have been happy with losing. He would have been perfectly comfortable with the idea of a normal life with her. But he had to win, so Mellie, Cyrus, Hollis, Verna and Olivia pulled the trigger on the gun and it was all starting to crumble.

“I don't want to be a part of this anymore! This is...this is against _everything_ I stand for!”

“Just like sleeping with a married man?” Her head snapped quickly to the unflinching face of Cyrus Beene. He knew...

“W-what are you t-talking about?” She attempted to stand taller but she was easily taken aback.

“Oh don't act coy around me, Olivia! I know you! I know Fitz! Stevie Wonder would be able to look at you two and figure it out. You don't get to pick and choose where you input your morals, Liv. We did the right thing in Defiance and I refuse to have this discussion with you again!”

“Now you wait just one second Cyrus! You don't get to storm around here and accuse me of things!”

“It isn't an accusation when there is proof, Miss. Pope. Anyone within a hundred mile radius of Camp David probably heard you screaming.” She felt her cheeks grow hot with blush. Fitz destroyed any possibility of her being able to be discreet that week.

“I taught you better, Liv! You are getting emotionally involved and it is completely clouding your judgement. Stay the course. Handle your life. Do _not_ get funny. This isn't theoretical anymore. We are here, in the most powerful building in the world and one wrong move lands us _all_ in prison. I don't know about you, but I can tell orange isn't a popular color in your fashionista closet so I'd take that advice and run with it.”

“What are you saying?” He walked over to her and stared at her menacingly. He was a monster, a beast of nature that could not be toyed with.

“End it.”

* * *

 

“Huck, don't ask me any questions, just do it.”

“Are you sure, Olivia?” The tortured monotone voice questioned her from the other side of the line. She took a deep breath, somewhat questioning herself.

“Yes, I'm sure. Look, I have to go. Call me when you have her.” She hung up the phone and continued to the location where she was meeting the others. She was going off the course and taking things into her own hands. Olivia refused to let more people suffer for her selfish and misguided decisions. She had to make things right, and she had to start by fixing things in her own life.

When she entered the meeting room everyone was waiting.

“Nice to see ya, sunshine.” Hollis greeted her with that typical grin of the devil. She glared at him.

“I'm confused as to why we are even meeting.” Mellie responded bored. Cyrus and Verna remained silent.

“We need to talk.” Olivia stated as she sat down across from Mellie.

“About what? What is there that any of us would need to discuss in secret?”

“I want out.” The all looked at her in shock.

“Baby cakes, out of what? As far as I can see, in this room, there is no getting out of anything alone.” Hollis said.

“Oh really, Hollis? That's why you killed those innocent people?”

“You can thank me later.”

“Look! We can all agree what Hollis did was far from ethical and subtle, but he has a point. He saved our asses.” Mellie said.

“This could trace back to Hollis and then we're all screwed.” Verna's smoky voice chimed in. Cyrus seemed to be refusing to speak.

“I don't want to be apart of this anymore! I made a mistake by agreeing to Defiance on that plane and I wish I could take it back. We were wrong and its going to come back to us.”

“We made a pact. All our asses are on the line. We are in this together.” Olivia's mind shifted to Fitz and how he constantly reminded her that they were in this together. This was killing her.

“Dirty little secrets always come out.” She said softly.

“I'm sorry baby cakes. No one gets a get out of jail free card. Stay the course.”

“I don't think I said I was on the fence. I am done.” She stood up and headed for the door.

“I'd watch yourself.” Hollis called after her. She turned around and watched the evil twinkle in his eye.

“I would be careful with who you threaten, Mr. Doyle.” She turned her eyes to Mellie who looked confused.

“Liv, what are about to do?” She said to her. Olivia just stared at her, so much remorse and guilt suffocating her. She slept with her husband, stole him right from underneath her. Mellie put her entire adult life into that man and Olivia just strutted in and snatched him up.

“I am so sorry.” Was all she said before storming out the room. Tears were blurring her eyes as she walked to the Oval which she was praying was empty. Tom let her in with a simple nod and a smile and her heart felt relieved when the room was empty. She took a 360 view of the room, so many memories here. So much love made and shared, so many revolutionary ideas crafted right here. She felt blessed to have had a piece of it, but she knew it was not rightfully hers. She would live with that for the rest of her life.

And Fitz. His heart will literally shatter if he ever finds out about what they did. The pride he felt from winning this election above board and proving his father wrong...She stole that from him. The man she loved more than any possible thing on this earth was living a lie because of her, and she knew that was wrong. Cyrus was right: you can't pick and choose when to use your morals. She was having an affair with a married man with children. With the ruler of the free world. With the man who cheated and didn't even know it.

She walked to his desk slowly, images from all their intimate moments swirling around her. She touched the desk and could remember the feeling of Fitz pressing her body against it, his hands all over her. She pulled her letter of resignation out of her purse and held it in her hand for a moment. This was happening. She was letting it all go. She was letting him go. She could not resist pressing her lips to it gently, a small speck of mauve lipstick staying. She placed it in the middle of his desk and walked out quickly.

It was time to start over.


	5. You Made Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He pulled out the letter from his middle drawer and read it. He knew it by hart, but reading it just always added that extra punch.
> 
> Mr. President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III,
> 
> The past six months working under your service have been some of the greatest of my life and career. Watching you work and the ideals you hold for this country is truly inspiring and I admire it. You are what this country needs and deserves and helping you get to this position is an honor I hold dearly. Sadly, I feel my time working for the Grant administration has come to an end. I feel my ideals are pulling me elsewhere, and my professional desires require me to be on my own. I am always ready and at your service if need be, but my time here has regrettably ended. I want you to be better and be all that you can be, and sadly, that cannot happen with me holding you back. I know you will continue to uphold the the true heart and honesty this country stands for and look forward to watching your administration propel this country forward.
> 
> Sincerely with all my respect,
> 
> Olivia Pope"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot explain enough how honored I am that so many are checking this story out. I really appreciate all of the response!! <3 Things are going to pick up soon, so don't let this short chapter get you down! As usual, I do not own these characters but I wish I did!

 

_I wish the air would color red_   
_When you breathe it in_   
_And so I could have seen it coming_   
_Look in my eyes when you say you love me_   
_So I can see you lie to me_

The warm liquor slid down Fitz's throat roughly as he downed his third shot of scotch. Scotch had become his good friend once again in the past year. Scotch was the only thing in his life that had never left him; the only thing to never abandon him in moments of darkness. He sat on his desk and shut his eyes. He hated this office. He hated his job and position. He hated his power and most importantly he hated his life. Well, he couldn't really hate his life. His life left him in the dead of the night with a letter of resignation. A letter with a smudge of lipstick attached. Olivia abandoned him even when she said they were in this together. She  _left_  him and he was broken. Cyrus was basically running the office seeing as Fitz was incapable of doing much. He spent majority of his time holed up in the oval or his study drinking and wallowing in pity. Mellie said it was just a phase but Fitz knew better.

He pulled out the letter from his middle drawer and read it. He knew it by hart, but reading it just always added that extra punch.

_Mr. President Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III,_

_The past six months working under your service have been some of the greatest of my life and career. Watching you work and the ideals you hold for this country is truly inspiring and I admire it. You are what this country needs and deserves and helping you get to this position is an honor I hold dearly. Sadly, I feel my time working for the Grant administration has come to an end. I feel my ideals are pulling me elsewhere, and my professional desires require me to be on my own. I am always ready and at your service if need be, but my time here has regrettably ended. I want you to be better and be all that you can be, and sadly, that cannot happen with me holding you back. I know you will continue to uphold the the true heart and honesty this country stands for and look forward to watching your administration propel this country forward._

_Sincerely with all my respect,_

_Olivia Pope_

One letter ended his ability to function. His first lady left him and in an instant all the light had left his world. He found the hidden meanings in each of the words.  _"The past six months working under your service have been some of the greatest of my life...I feel my ideals are pulling me elsewhere...I want you to be better and be all that you can be..."_ He knew her and she felt backed into a moral corner. She wasn't the type of woman to be owned by another and definitely not one to be considered the other woman. Morals were so crucial to her make-up, hell, it was one of the things that pulled Fitz to her. She was a saint in his eyes, her inability to place what she wanted above the well being of other people. Fitz was selfish and needy and Olivia made him attempt to be better. Now he was back to being nothing. Mellie and Fitz were constantly fighting, his detachment from the office irritating her. She worked hard to get him here and he was being ungrateful.

"Umm?" He looked up to see a young woman standing in the doorway. Her dirty blonde hair was in a side ponytail down the right side of her body. Her lips were coated with a thin layer of peach gloss, the rest of her face blank of make up. She was pretty at the most, nothing more.

"Yes, Ms. Tanner?"

"Mr. Chambers wanted me to bring you these files." She walked over to him and he took them. "Its regarding the supreme court justice spot." He nodded.

"Thank you ." She stood there for a moment looking down at her feet. "Is there something else you need?" This moment felt weird. He was used to Amanda being around. She was Billy Chambers assistant and he was constantly sending her out on errands for him.

"Um...ye—n-no." She turned quickly and stormed to the door but stopped suddenly. She took a deep breath and walked back to him. "Yes. Yes there is something you can do for me."

"And that would be..."

"Let me help you." He cocked his eyebrow at her in confusion.

"Help me?"

"Mr. President, I have not seen you smile in almost six months and it breaks my heart. Such a terrific man like yourself should not have to suffer ever. I want to make you smile." Fitz could not believe what he was hearing. Amanda Tanner was coming onto him...

"Ms. Tanner I don't think that is appr—"

"Who said anything about being appropriate, ?" She inched closer to him and Fitz was sure this had to be a joke. Amanda has never shown any interest in him before and now all of a sudden she was two steps away from jumping him. He thought of Olivia and of the night he spoke nearly those same words. The night he begged her to finally say his name. She tried to resist him, pulling her typical defense of it being out of line and inappropriate. Fitz didn't care and his simple statement of "Lets be inappropriate" brought her onto his side.

Or so he thought.

"Amanda, there are cameras all over this office."

"If I recall, Tom is on archive duty in the morning. I know he's your right hand man." She was right. Tom was the one who warned him about the cameras and their positions in the first place. He was always helping him out trying to keep him a foot ahead of everyone else.

"Amanda—"

"Are you going to stop talking anytime soon? Cause your fake attempts at persuading yourself that you don't want me here are kind of ruining my mood." Did he want this? He hadn't had sex since Olivia left him and he was dying with sexual frustration. Olivia spoiled him with her touch and sexual aura. Just looking at her was enough to send him to heaven. But he had to keep reminding himself that Olivia was no longer in the picture. She was gone. She no longer wanted him. She left him. She  _abandoned_  him.

And here was this young confused girl, probably not in her right mind.

But she was here.

And she refused to leave.

She wanted him.

That was all Fitzgerald wanted. To be wanted. To be loved.

So Fitz let her have him. Right there on his office desk. The same place where he and Olivia christened his administration. He was fucking some intern in the same place that he made love to the love of his life.

He didn't feel better.

He felt like shit.

She wanted him to be better and he was failing miserably.


	6. Lie To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mellie how could you be so stu—"
> 
> "Oh don't you dare call me stupid, Olivia! I had to clean up the mess you made! I don't know what it is about you but that man feeds off of you. You made him strong, a man that even I could look up to. You leaving made him weaker than he was before and we all know he was basically worthless. I tried to be there for him, but weakness isn't really one of my turn ons so I outsourced. Its coming back to bite me in the ass and I don't know how to fix Amanda and Fitz. You can."

_Shield your eyes from the truth at hand_   
_Tell me why it'll be good again_   
_All those demons are closing in_   
_And I don't want you to burn_

Olivia marched out of the elevator and into the office. Harrison was walking out of the kitchen, fresh cup of coffee in hand.

"Morning." He said to her as she stormed by. She ignored them all as she shut the door to Stephens office. He looked up from his computer with a quizzical look on his face.

"Olivia, what do I owe you storming into my office with that fearsome look?" She stood there speechless for a few moments trying to gather her thoughts.

"We have a problem."

"Which is?" His light Scottish accent was so comforting to Olivia. It was impossible to not tell him anything that was bothering her. He was, in a nutshell, her best friend. She trusted him, besides Huck, more than anyone else in the world. He knew her like the female anatomy, which for Stephen meant extremely well.

"I have to go back."

"Go back where." She cocked her eyebrow at him and everything clicked. "Oh. Why?"

"I don't know! Cyrus called me this morning and asked to see me...He would only call me if something was in need of fixing."

"Or maybe he was calling to check up on you seeing as you just skipped out of the White House a year ago and never gave anyone an explanation."

"There was nothing to explain." Olivia said quietly. She sat down in the chair on the opposing side of his desk and sighed. It had been just about a year since Olivia left her letter of resignation on Fitz's desk and walked out of the White House for what she was hoping would be forever. She hadn't contacted Fitz or anyone involved with the rigging since that night. She meant it when she said she was out. She wanted nothing to do with that administration of lies. Lies that she was a pivotal piece of.

"Well...are you going to go?" She shrugged.

"Its Cyrus...I have to go."

"Olivia?" Quinn poked her head into the office door. Her round doe eyed face always had a hint of fear surrounding it. She has been to hell and back, but she was a gladiator. Quinn was her redemption.

"Yes?"  
"Umm...the new client? The senator from Ohio? I think he's lying. Ya know, about being innocent of raping his intern." Olivia sighed and rose from her chair. She preceded Quinn out of the office and into the conference area. Abby was sticking pictures of Senator Clark on the board along with photos of the accused intern.

"What do we have here?" Abby turned to Olivia with a bitchy smirk.

"Oh just your usual 'my boss cat called me which equates to rape' case. Typical Tuesday." Olivia lived for Abby's wit. She was always on her feet, sometimes too quick. It brought her so much joy when she was able to get Abby back on her feet. After her divorce, she was shattered and broken. A broken clam with her pearl stolen from her. She had it back now.

"Quinn says her gut is going with Karen." She walked over to the board and looked over the information. Senator Clark has a history of infidelity and sexual harassment cases, but none have ever stuck.

"When I looked into her eyes as she told me about the incident...it was like I was there." Quinn stated staring off into the distance. "I think she is telling the truth." Olivia watched her and she could see that glimmer that she once held within herself. That look of your gut speaking to your mind, forcing out any possibility of doubt.

"Huck! Harrison!" Her boys were at her side instantly like two puppies in training. "Go find whatever information you can on Karen Yates. And I mean everything. If she had a bad elementary school break up I want to know about it."

"On it!" They were gone instantly. Quinn and Abby ran off to their offices to find dirt as well. Olivia took a deep breath in her moment of solitude. Olivia Pope and Associates; her dream. She had already began the concept of her crisis management firm a year before she left for the Grant campaign trail. When she was called away she left it in Stephen's hands. OPA was basically waiting for her to cut the ribbon when she returned last year. She loved her work, never a dull moment. Each case, no matter how normal for her firm they became, was different and more interesting than the last. She got at least four infidelity cases a month, and they were never quite just like each other. But that was all she did these days; work. She couldn't allow herself time for anything else. Fun or relaxation meant time to rest your mind and think and that was the last thing she needed. She could not think about Fitzgerald Grant.

But now she was on her way to his residence and think about him was all she would be able to do. When she walked past the clearance point she felt her heart skip a beat. She missed the White House, she had the time of her life working there. She put her life on the line to get there and she allowed it to become her new dream. Being away didn't change any of that because her actions were still in motion. What she did could never be erased.

When Olivia walked into Cyrus's office, he and Mellie were waiting for her.

"Mellie?"

"Olivia!" She got out of her seat and wrapped her in a hug. It was tense and forced.

"I didn't know to expect you. I thought it was just going to be Cyrus and I."

"Well, this is something that involves all of us."

_"Oh God..."_ Olivia thought to herself.

"Our boy." Cyrus chimed in. Olivia brought her hands to her temples and rubbed them gently.

"He isn't my boy. Not anymore."

"Bullshit." Mellie said firmly. "He's more your boy than ours."

"I left! I got out. None of this is my problem anymore!"

"Oh you bet it is, sweetheart. Fitz has been beyond a wreck since you left him." Olivia's neck cracked as her head turned quickly to see the knowing eyes of Mellie Grant. She knew. Clearly, everyone fucking knew.

"Yes, I know about you two. Quite frankly, I do not care. Why? Because he was getting things  _done_. Now he is about as useful as dried out nail polish. Cyrus is basically running the country and as we all know, Cyrus hates Hollis. Hollis was only onboard because he expected things, things that an administration dedicated to democracy and the right of the People cannot abide by. So, Hollis is upset and the last thing we need is Hollis to be upset."

"Olivia," Cyrus touched her arm gently. "He is a  _wreck_. Drinking nonstop, yelling at interns and secret service. We don't know how to reach him and time is running out. If we don't get Hollis under control, we are all going down."

"We?"

"Olivia, lets not act like you weren't the deciding factor."

"I didn't want to do it! I believed in Fitz and you all got in my head! He would have survived without winning we all would have survived. But you were all so hungry for power and you made me feel like the kid who reminds the teacher there was homework the night before! So I voted yes and I knew better but I didn't follow my gut and now we all owe the devil."

"Are you finished on your soap box?" Mellie responded. "None of us give a rats ass about what you wanted to do the fact is you did it. We all did it!"

"Flip the switch on Hollis! Bury him. You have all the tools to place them on him, especially with Cytron. You never negotiate with a terrorist! When you do, they just keep blowing up more and more things until the only thing left to sacrifice is the souls of the innocent!"

"Look! Arguing is getting us nowhere." Cyrus walked over to the window and looked out at the afternoon sun.

"I don't understand what you all want me to do."

"I did something." Mellie said. "I tried to fix Fitz and it backfired."

"You acted like an idiot, thats what you did!" Cyrus spat at her.

"Shut up old man! You have done  _much_  worse."

"Mellie! What did you do?"

"What I had to! Fitz can't turn to me for his needs and  _you_  left so I got him a replacement." Olivia sat with this information for a moment before it became clear.

"You didn't..."

"Her name is Amanda Tanner. She is one of Billy Chambers interns. She was pretty enough and seemed able enough so I recruited her to sleep with my husband for a little while just to get him by. Well, she has grown a little too attached and now she needs to be taken care of. Problem is women are scornful when they become attached to something they want. The girl has enough ammo to end any possibility of Fitz working at a Wal-Mart once he leaves here."

Olivia felt weak even though she was sitting down. The thought of her Fitz sleeping with someone else? Whispering things he had told her countless times? Things meant for her ears only? She felt nauseous.

"Mellie how could you be so stu—"

"Oh don't you dare call me stupid, Olivia! I had to clean up the mess you made! I don't know what it is about you but that man feeds off of you. You made him strong, a man that even I could look up to. You leaving made him weaker than he was before and we all know he was basically worthless. I tried to be there for him, but weakness isn't really one of my turn ons so I outsourced. Its coming back to bite me in the ass and I don't know how to fix Amanda and Fitz. You can." Olivia stood up and headed for the door. "You don't get to just walk away!" She stopped and turned around. She knew that running wouldn't solve anything, no matter how badly she wanted it.

"What do you need me to do?"

Fitz was in a three hour defense briefing that started half an hour ago, so it was safe for Olivia to enter the Oval. All the employees greeted her with wide smiles. She missed them all dearly. When she was inside she took a deep breath of the air and nearly choked. The room smelled of Fitz. It now hurt to breathe, each whiff killing her heart. She walked to his desk and ran her fingers over it gently. Tears were stinging at her eyes as the memories she tried so desperately to suppress came back with a sudden quickness. The memories no longer made her want him, but made her hate him.

She hated him.

He cheated on her with some cheap intern. Which was twisted because they were never together to begin with and had not seen each other in a year. Who he was screwing was none of her concern. But it hurt so deeply.

The sound of the door opening shocked her and her body froze when she turned to see Fitzgerald standing there.

"Livvie?" He was panting as if he had been running. Someone tipped him off that she was here.

"Mr. President." She straightened her shoulders and looked at him with as little emotion possible.

"You're here...Its really you." He took a step and she reciprocated by stepping away. "Why did you come?"

"You need to stop seeing Amanda Tanner." Shock came over his face.  
"Excuse me?"

"Your mistress...it needs to end."

"What are you talking about?" He took two more steps, his long lean legs covering more ground than her five steps away. She was on the wall now, nowhere else to turn.

"Do not lie to my face! Your affair with Billy Chamber's intern needs to end. You are putting your presidency in danger."

"I have never done anything with Amanda Tanner. Olivia, its me. I would never..."

"Oh, you would never cheat? Is that what you are saying ? Because I have two years of emotional scars that refute that." She was slipping. He was nearly touching her and his actual being here made his scent overwhelming. His eyes were calling her soul back him.

"Olivia—"

"No!" She dashed around him and raced for the door. She couldn't do this. She felt him grab her wrist and turn her to him.

"Who told you this?"

"Do you want to end all of this? Everything you worked for? For a little piece of ass? If thats what you want, fine, keep seeing her! Tarnish your family name and any chances of helping this country!" He held her shoulders firmly and stared into her eyes. It was like he was a hypnotist, his blueish grey eyes swirling around her.

"Who told you? Whoever it was is lying! Olivia, you know how I feel about you..."  
"You are a lying piece of shit! Cyrus told me. Cyrus would never lie to me about you. Here you are lying to my face. Is this how you lied to Mellie? About us? If so, I can see how she knew." Panic was running rampant on the love of her life's face. He was frantic, unable to think of another almost feasible lie.

"Mellie knows?"

"Oh yeah! We had her seal of fucking approval." He dropped his grip and walked away. She watched his back and felt her knees buckle a little. His back was one of her favorite features about him; how strong and muscled it was. It always seemed to bust through his suits.

"I slept with Amanda one time. I use her for conversation. I just needed someone to talk to, someone to attempt to understand. She doesn't get it, but she is there and I just..needed someone..."

"You expect me to believe that you just talk to an intern?"

"Believe what you want. But that is the truth. You tore me apart, Olivia."

"Save it! You are a cheater and I don't care what you have to say. She is a problem and needs to go. I am only here to attempt to save your presidency. No promises that I can even do that." She walked out the oval, his eyes following her the entire way. She was shattering just from seeing him. She believed him when he said he didn't know Amanda. Her heart held onto every word he said as gospel but she knew better. Even though he shattered her and lied to her, she still loved him. A year did nothing.


	7. Silly Mistakes, Dangerous Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I made a mistake one time!”  
> “But it isn't just one time! You cheated on your wife with me. You cheated on me with Amanda. There is a pattern here, Fitz. You say I'm the love of your life, but how long before some other woman comes along and she catches your eye? Whatever we had was superficial. You just proved that.”  
> “You have no idea what your leaving did to me. The depression I was in? This darkness literally took over my life. I was trying to find out what I did to make you go, if being near me was so awful for you.”  
> “Fitz it wasn't—“  
> “No, you don't talk right now!”...

_My heart was pounding_   
_My inner voice resounding_   
_Begging me to turn away_   
_But I just had to see your face,to feel alive_   
_And then you casually walked in the room_   
_And I was twisted in the web of my desire for you_   
_My apprehension blew away_   
_I only wanted you_   
_To taste my sadness_   
_As you kissed me in the dark_

He was going to get her back. Olivia walked back into his life and he was not letting her go again. The day she returned to the White House it was like he felt her. His mood shifted upwards and his legs began to bounce. It was like a shark when it smells blood in the water. He ran from his briefing and when he found her standing in his office like a precious gift on Christmas morning he almost lost it. She was there in front of him in reality. She hated him for what he did, but by the grace of God she came back to him. He was a low life dirty piece of shit for what he did, he knew that. She knew that. Fitzgerald was going to fix this and win back her trust.

“Mr.President you need to be getting ready.” Cyrus walked into the oval, his tuxedo already on and ready.

“Why did you tell her?” Fitz was staring at the picture of the unstoppable trio, feelings of betrayal coming over him.

“I'm sorry?”

“Why did you tell Olivia about Amanda Tanner?”

“Fitz, I don't think this is the best time to have this conversation. The state dinner starts in less than an hour.”

“I think this is the best time. You told Olivia and now she is back telling me to get rid of Amanda. That she is a threat to my presidency. As much as she believes that, I know she isn't here on her own accord. So, why did you tell her?” He turned to look at Cyrus. He looked unbothered.

“You just answered the question yourself. I told you to not be stupid. This girl is dangerous, Fitz. It needs to end.”

“Oh, I have no problem ending it. I have Livie again which makes Amanda officially irrelevant.”

“Fitz, that isn't what this means at all.”

“Oh, but it is.” He walked around his desk and stood in front of Cyrus. “I was only using her to fill the void that Olivia left. She was failing miserably. I guess I should be thanking you? Your constant nagging into my personal life gave me back the one reason I have to breathe.” Fitz walked out the oval before Cyrus could respond. He didn't go to housing wing just yet; he had an important stop to make.

Amanda was sitting at her desk typing up files when Fitz arrived. Everyone was gone getting ready for the state dinner. Her face lit up when she saw him.

“Mr. President! How nice to see you!” She jumped from her seat and leaned in to kiss him but he dodged.

“Amanda, we need to talk.” Her face fell a little.

“About?”

“Sit down.” She obeyed. “Amanda, I know over the last few weeks we have spent a lot of time together.”

“Yes. And I have enjoyed it so much. Haven't you?” Fitz honestly didn't know if he enjoyed his time with her. He could only remember feeling relief over having someone to talk to. She didn't bring him joy or pleasure, just a wall with ears that he could bitch about his life to.

“That isn't the point. The point is...it doesn't look very good on my part. Spending all this time with a White House intern.” She looked insulted by this revelation.

“We aren't having sex, Fitz.”

“Other people won't see it that way.”

“I can tell them! You know how badly I want too and yet you always reject me. I have no reason to lie about this. We just talk. We enjoy each others company.”

“Amanda, I am the President of the United States. I don't get to just walk around and talk with young interns. Forty-two ruined that ruse for all of us.”

“But—“

“I'm married. I have children. I am in love with someone else and this...this isn't fair to her...” Fitz felt the irony of this moment come over him. These are all things that have run around his mind while courting Olivia, but back then they didn't matter. Olivia was the one he was destined for, the one he should have waited for. He could not begin to understand how he let himself fall in with Amanda Tanner.

“You cannot just throw me away like garbage! I love you!” The tears were pouring out of the young girls eyes.

“We could never be anything more than this...We never should have become anything to begin with.”

“I love you! You cannot do this to me!”

“I'm sorry.”  
“You think you can just leave easy? I will turn this agaisnt. I will raise hell. You shouldn't cross me! All I ask is that you stay with me, Fitz. Please!”  
“Amanda, you are an amazing girl. I placed my trust in you. It is in both of our best interest to just forget about this.”  
“You will regret this Fitzgerald Grant! I swear to God I will end you!”  
“I'm sorry.” As he walked away he truly was. He never should have taken up with the poor girl, she was innocent. He dragged her into his pit of never ending darkness and along the way she became enraptured with the unfixable. She fell in love with the idea of fixing what only the fixer could.

“Pretend to look engaged, _honey_.” Mellie seethed through smiling teeth as the great leaders came into the White House ballroom. This was his second state dinner and he was bored to tears. Half of the people he was forced to greet irritated him beyond imagination and all he wanted right now was a stiff drink.

“I am engaged. Engaged in trying to get over to the open bar.” He countered. He could feel her roll her eyes. He knew she wanted to strangle him. The past year has been rough on their already fragmented relationship. She tried to help him, tried to build him back up like she did in the early days of their relationship. When his father had left him battered and worthless, Mellie found him and built him up. He felt obligated to her for that, even with all the years together revealing more similarities between herself and Big Jerry. It wasn't until Olivia showed up that he realized that Mellie never really built him. She drew the blueprint but Olivia bought the materials and did the research; she figured out the best way to build him and keep him standing tall forever.

“Livie!” His ears perked up. He looked to the door and there was his angel. She looked stunning in a white halter gown that framed her curves perfectly. The ringlets of her hair seemed to be begging for him to reach out and touch. She looked at him for a moment, longing evident. After giving Mellie a hug she was in front of him. He took her hand and kissed it gently.

“Ms. Pope.”

“President Grant.” Her tone was so cold. She continued down the line of delegates but his eyes never left her. He wasn't expecting her to come tonight and the sight of her sent him into a frenzy. He had to get her alone, had to find a way to talk to her. He needed to explain everything to her. He wanted her to try to understand how badly things got when she went away.

While dancing with Mellie he spotted her with Billy Chambers in the middle of the floor. He spun Mellie in their direction and she knew it.

“Really, Fitz?” She seethed. “You can't keep it in your pants for two seconds?” He was shocked at Mellie's comment. He always suspected that she had a clue about his relationship with Olivia, but it made him more comfortable thinking she had no clue. Regardless of how badly he needed Olivia or how dead their marriage was, the thought of his wife knowing of his affair and not even mentioning it bothered him. It should bother her that he found eternal happiness with someone else, or at least make her want to fight for him. The song ended and they broke apart. Mellie gave him the stare that the points of daggers are made of.

“Billy! Why don't you show me what three years of ballroom classes can teach?” She took his hand and walked away. It was just the two of them now. She rolled her eyes then reluctantly placed her hand on his shoulder. Her touch sent a shudder down his spine. He gently placed his hand on her waist and began to guide her across the floor. She refused to look at him, but she was all he could see. How he so desperately wanted to press his lips to her neck and linger there, to feel her gentle skin underneath him in heated moments of love and passion.

“You look incredible.” He said to her.

“Don't do this.”

“We need to talk.”

“We're talking right now and that is already more than I think is acceptable. After this dance you need to leave me alone.”

“You know I can't do that.”

“You can. And you will.”

“I love you.”

“Stop it.”

“I am in love with you. I miss you. I need you.”

“Did you say those words to your other mistress?” He stopped dancing and looked at the chill of her eyes. He hurt her so deeply and it only made his depression deeper. She called herself that word, that degrading and pitiful word.

“You know where to meet me. Ten minutes.” He said as he rejoined the tempo. For a moment her body leaned into his.

“No!” The music stopped and so did their dance. She turned on her heels but he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. She met his chest with a thud, the connection of their two bodies shaking both of them up.

“Ten minutes.” He whispered frantically before gently pushing her away. She would be there waiting for him. She could say no a million times but he knew her. He owned her. He mingled around for a few more minutes before excusing himself. It hadn't been quite ten minutes but he just couldn't stay in that room any longer. Even if she stood him up he was relieved to be out of there. He walked into his study and ripped off his bow tie. He walked to the window and looked out at the roses from the garden. He did this patiently until he heard the door open and shut.

“You have five minutes.” She said softly. He took a deep breath. He decided to keep looking out the window; the look of pain on her face would be too much for him.

“You left me. I was vulnerable. She was there. We had sex one time. I ended it tonight.”

“Is that supposed to count as an explanation?”

“I don't know what you want me to say. You left me with a fucking letter of resignation. And the lipstick stain? Nice touch. Do you know how many nights I pressed that stain to my face hoping to feel your lips one time, always to no avail? Was I not worth a goodbye or a warning? Amanda got an explanation tonight because she was worth that. And I wasn't even in love with her.”

“Don't you try to blame this on me! I did not make you sleep with some girl! I did not make you cheat on your wife.”

“Leave Mellie out of this we both know she is farthest from the issue here. This is about us.”

“There is no us, Fitz!” She put her hand over her mouth realizing her slip. She tried to stay detached by not using his name, she had always been that way. She was involved now, completely. “Jesus christ, what is wrong with me?” She paced in circles for a few moments then returned her attention to him.

“I don't know why I feel so cheated! I haven't seen you in a year! And you are married! But I am just so fucking shattered by what you did. I hate you!”

“You have every right to hate me right now. But you have to forgive me.” A look of disbelief came over her.

“Forgive you? Are you serious?”

“I made a mistake one time!”

“But it isn't just one time! You cheated on your wife with me. You cheated on me with Amanda. There is a pattern here, Fitz. You say I'm the love of your life, but how long before some other woman comes along and she catches your eye? Whatever we had was superficial. You just proved that.”

“You have no idea what your leaving did to me. The depression I was in? This darkness literally took over my life. I was trying to find out what I did to make you go, if being near me was so awful for you.”

“Fitz it wasn't—“

“No, you don't talk right now!” She shut up instantly. “I didn't feel like I deserved you. It felt like my father rose from the dead and his words of what a waste I am came back. I exist for you and I couldn't have you. Do you know what that feels like, Olivia? To be destined for something and yet you can't reach it?” He reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and tossed a key to her.

“Second drawer, left side.” She looked at him quizzically then went to open it. She took out the treasured wooden box and gasped when she opened it.

“Fitz!” She said breathlessly. She slowly took out and held the pistol in her shaking hands.

“The one thing my father left me when died. I can remember all the drunken nights when he would wave it around at me. Only has one bullet in it. Imagine how fun playing Russian Roulette with a ten year old could be!” She put it back in the box gently.

“I've held that pistol to my head so many times since that night you resigned I have lost count.” The shock in her eyes was haunting.

“Oh Fitz...”

“I had no reason to live. I hated everything. Everything reminded me of you and it just hurt too much...I was so ready to just get it over with. I spent my entire life unhappy and living for others. You were the first thing in my life that felt completely mine and I lost you. But I have you now. I refuse to let you go.” He walked over to her and backed her into the window.

“Fitz—“ He grabbed her waist and pulled her into his body. She gasped.

“You can fight me, hate me and push me away all you want. I refuse to lose you again. You are mine and I am yours. I love you. I live for you. I want to live and I can't live without you.” She wasn't pulling away anymore, she was resting comfortably against him.

“Fitz, please—“

“Shut up.” Her large doe-eyes watched him excitedly as he leaned in to capture her lips. She kissed him back with such a force that Fitz almost lost his footing. It felt so good to be back with her, her lips feeling like the safety he had been searching for over the past year. It was like no time had passed at all. Fitz knew she thought distance would make the feelings fade; repress them into the realm of infatuation. They were in love and destiny had a plan for them to end together. No amount of time or distance could ever change that.

When they broke the kiss they just looked into each others eyes. He knew she would walk away from him soon, but her eyes were telling him everything he needed to know. They were saying “I love you. I need you. Wait for me.”

“We can't do this.” She broke their embrace, grabbed her purse and left. Fitz didn't go after her because he knew she would be back. She would always come back to him. And he would always be waiting. 

 


	8. Get A Grip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why should I sign that?" She growled. There was a fire in her eyes that didn't sit well with Olivia. "He took advantage of me! He made me believe that he loved me! That he wanted to leave his wife for me! He told me that I could be his first lady!" Olivia almost threw up in her mouth at the revelation. There was no way... "I will end him! He has no idea what I am capable of."

_But you keep thundering thundering_   
_I'm wondering wondering, why you keep thundering_   
_Won't you just rain,_   
_and get it over with_

 

“Whats the status, Huck?” Olivia walked into the conference area for the morning briefing on their clients. OPA was dedicating majority of its time to the Amanda Tanner case since most of their clients were about finished. Quinn and Harrison were out finishing up a few cases so it was just Huck, Abby and Stephen this morning.

“Amanda Tanner resigned from the White House two days ago and has since been at her home in the city. It seems like she's packing her things about to move back in with her parents.”

“Good. Has she contacted anyone?”

“From what I've found just her parents. There is one unknown number but I haven't been able to connect to anyone.”

“Unknown number?” Olivia rounded the table and looked at the papers Huck was reading from. It was number with an area code outside of D.C. “Figure out who this belongs to.” Huck nodded and went to his office.

“Olivia, if you don't mind me asking,” Abby began preparing her first snarky comment of the day. “Why are we pulling all the stops out for this intern girl?”

“Because she has become a threat to national security, that's why. The White House asked for our help so we are giving it to them.”

“But you don't work for them anymore.”

“Abby. You know I don't take on cases without a good reason. Just do what I ask, alright?” She shrugged and went to her office. Olivia looked at Stephen who was watching her intently. She knew he could sense her stress and disarray.

“Come on.” He got out his chair and preceded her into her office. When she closed her door she turned to see him pulling out a bottle of merlot from her stash.

“Stephen, it is eight in the morning—“

“You need a drink. You look like you are about to combust.” He poured her a glass and handed it to her. She downed half of it without another peep of protest.

“I assume your stress has to do with the president?” She nodded slowly. “Well?” He sat on her desk and waited for her response.

“What is it always?”

“All roads lead to Fitz?”

“All roads lead to Fitz.” Stephen sighed loudly and closed his eyes.

“Olivia, its been a year.”

“You think I don't realize that? Three hundred eighty-five days exactly. I thought distance would make the feelings go...Make me realize that it was just lust and immature passion. But the moment I saw him? I was so fucking lost. Everything came back so fast but it was like the feelings were deeper! And when he kissed me I just—“

“Wait wait wait! You _kissed_ him?”

“He kissed me. When I saw him at the state dinner we talked and things kind of escalated...”

“You didn't...”

“No! God, no.” She devoured the last drops of her wine and sighed. “I don't know what to do. I cannot be with him again. Regardless of everything around us, it just hurts too much to be with him. I love him too much to be with him.” Olivia knew that Defiance would destroy Fitz. If he ever found out what they had done it would shatter everything he believed in. Winning this election brought him so much inner peace and closure about his life. If he knew it was all a lie, he would self destruct. And Olivia being involved would be the button on the trigger.

“Olivia you need to be strong. You know you cannot have him! He is the leader of the free world!”  
“I am well aware, Stephen, thank you.”

“Your reputation, his reputation, his _wife’s_ reputation! You are better than this!” Hearing the reasons Olivia had been saying to herself come from others made her realize how silly they sounded. She could see why Fitz would always just chuckle or ignore her when she brought these ideas up. She expected Stephen to understand her situation better than anyone, but then again his acts of infidelity were always simply for pleasure. It was easy for him to judge her; she was constantly giving him the same speech. He had a beautiful girlfriend, Georgia, who he loved deeply. He just couldn't let go of his bachelor ways to fully allow himself to dedicate himself to her. Olivia tried so hard to rationalize, now knowing the devastating pain that comes with knowing the man you love is a cheat. It was just impossible to compare her relationship with Fitz with anyone else. Their relationship was so beyond the point of simple excuses. They had a love that was otherworldly and silly human reasoning was just laughable. She was physically dependent on that man and since she had seen him there was no way she could just stay away.

“I have to fix this.” She grabbed her coat and purse and prepared to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“Grab your coat. I need you to be a witness. We need to make a stop before I go to the White House. I have a plan.” Olivia thought she was out but there was no way out.

* * *

Olivia felt uneasy as she knocked on the door of apartment 32C. She held her briefcase to her chest as she waited anxiously for Amanda to open her door. Stephen was silent the entire ride over, silently judging her.

“Stop looking at me like that.” She said to him her attention still on the closed door.

“How can I not? I...” He sighed deeply and she instantly knew what was coming. “I'm just disappointed in you, Liv. You are so much better than me! You are the one always telling me to get my shit together and find some normal. And here you are—“ The sounds of the door unlocking finished his sentence for him. Amanda opened the door and she looked a wreck. Her hair was unbrushed and mangled, her pajamas were wrinkled and in disarray around her body. Exhaustion had taken a permanent position on her face.

“Who are you?”

“Amanda Tanner, my name is Olivia Pope and this is my associate Stephen Finch. May we come in?”

“Why are you here?”

“We are here on behalf of the President.” Her eyes opened wide and she quickly moved to let them in.

“I am so sorry my place is a mess! I'm in the middle of a...of a move. God, I look like shit.”

“You don't need to do anything, Ms.Tanner. You look fine. We won't be here long.” Stephen reassured her as he flicked clothing off the couch so he could sit down. There were boxes surrounding her apartment. Clothes were thrown about her apartment along with magazines and other junk.

“Did he send you here?” She was looking at Olivia eagerly.

“Afraid not.”

“Oh.”

“Amanda, make no mistake, the President no longer intends to have any contact with you.”

“Then why are you here? To mock me?” Anger was seeping into her voice.

“I have a non-disclosure agreement that I need you to sign. You have to swear to never speak to anyone about your relationship with the president under any circumstances. If you do, you will be breaking the law and be met with a legal hailstorm.”

“Why should I sign that?” She growled. There was a fire in her eyes that didn't sit well with Olivia. “He took advantage of me! He made me believe that he loved me! That he wanted to leave his wife for me! He told me that I could be his first lady!” Olivia almost threw up in her mouth at the revelation. There was no way... “I will end him! He has no idea what I am capable of.”

Stephen could see Olivia unraveling and jumped in quickly.

“Amanda, lying will get you nowhere. Making up lies about the President of the United States is no laughing matter. And please believe that regardless of the truth of your claims, the public will view it as a lie. This isn't some local senator you are trying to drag down. You won't be able to buy a dollar coffee at a vending machine after this goes down!”

“I don't care! I just...Can I see him? Just five minutes with him!” Amanda grabbed Olivia's shoulders and shook her. “I just need to see him!” Olivia was clearly shook by Amanda touching her and she pushed her off quickly.

“Get a grip!” She cried. She meant it more for herself than Amanda. “It is over!” She pulled the agreement out of her briefcase and slammed it on the kitchen counter. She noticed pictures of Fitz were sprawled under various pieces of mail.

“Sign it Ms.Tanner. While you still have a chance of having a normal life. Leave this all behind you. Move away and find a boring job and a boring boyfriend. I know having an affair with the ruler of the free world seems intoxicating and passionate. It seems like you are on a roller coaster and even though you hate surprises and that flip in your stomach right when you are going around the loop, something inside you lives for it.” Olivia was staring into space, tears stinging at her eyes. She was cracking in front of her boyfriend's mistress. She shook it off quickly like a chill had come into the room.

“You cannot live like that. Find some normal, Amanda. You _deserve_ normal.”

Amanda had a quizzical look on her face. She was watching Olivia intently trying to figure her out. It was like she was trying to speak to her in mistress-code, only Olivia couldn't understand. She wasn't just a mistress. Amanda grabbed a pen out of a drawer in her kitchen and signed the agreement. She handed it to Olivia and she noticed the wetness from Amanda's tears were all over it. Stephen exited quickly and just as Olivia to the door Amanda touched her shoulder.

“I don't know why but...I feel like you understand. Just...will you tell him to meet me one last time? Tonight at our usual time. He will know what I mean. I just need to see him.” Olivia saw the flicker of fire enter Amanda's eyes and she instantly knew she couldn't trust her. The pictures on her counter came back to her as well. Something about this girl was off and the fact that was able to get through to her Fitz made her stomach leap.

“Have a good life, Amanda.”

* * *

“Olivia, what are you doing here?” Cyrus walked beside her as she marched her way down the White House corridors.

“I'm going to speak to Hollis.”

“Why? What are you planning? You need to confirm this with the rest of us!”

“I'm doing this alone. I told you all that I was out but I know no that I can't be completely out. But I am ending this. I cannot lie to Fitz anymore. Its eating me alive!” Cyrus grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty office on the left side of the hallway.

“Olivia, are you out of your _mind_?”

“To be completely honest? Probably.”

“You have no idea what you are doing! Hollis is a time bomb just waiting for the right moment to explode.”

“Do you know something I don't?” He was silent for a moment.

“He's been quiet lately.”

“And?”

“You know Hollis Doyle. That man never shuts up. It means he's up to something.”

“Like what?”

“The last time we talked was a few weeks ago and it wasn't a good conversation. He was livid, spewing threats left and right. Threatening to burn the administration to the ground if we don't send more troops into Afghanistan and Iran.” Olivia thought back to what Hollis said he expected from the Defiance arrangement. Nothing specific, just that he had “favors” to be given at a later date.

“Whats in it for him?”

“Oil, oil and more oil. Its always profit with Hollis. And he wants it bad. Also, he's been cozying up to Sally Langston. Every time I blink I see him at her side. What would he have to gain from buttering her up? He is up to something! I mean it Liv. He is a second off the deep end and I have no clue what he's going to do.” Olivia watched her mentor and for the first time since meeting him she saw uncertainty in his eyes. Cyrus could solve just about anything (whether the way he solved the issue was ethical was another thing) and Olivia admired and aspired to be like him in that aspect. But in this moment he looked so unsure of what was going to happen and it even made Liv uncomfortable.

“We have to protect Fitz.”

“I know.”

“All roads lead to Fitz.”

“All roads lead to Fitz.” They sat in silence mulling over the doom that was looming over them. “He misses you. He won't stop talking about you.”

“That doesn't matter.”

“It does! You hold him together. If he ever found out...about what we did? It would break him.” Olivia tossed her head back and wiped impending tears from her eyes.

“I can handle it.”

“Liv, you aren't doing this alone.”

“Hey.” She squeezed his hand quickly for reassurance. “It's handled.”

* * *

“Ms. Pope! What a surprise!” Hollis brought Olivia in for a tight hug as she entered his office.

“Hollis, always a pleasure.” She took a seat and watched him as he poured himself a glass of brandy.

“Now what do I owe this visit? Haven't seen you in what seems like decades!”

“A little over a year.”

“Oh, right! Last we talked you were speaking that nonsense about being done with Defiance. Finally come to your senses?”

“I sure have. But not how you think.” He took a long sip and gazed at her with those small eyes.

“What am I thinking, Olivia?”

“You are thinking that I am here to realign myself to lying and doing whatever you want or say. I am here to tell you that those days are officially over.”

“Oh, are they?”

“Yes! I am done lying to Fitz! We made a huge mistake and the guilt is eating me alive.”

“That sounds like a personal problem, sweetheart. Shouldn't jump in in the kitchen with the Devil if you can't handle the heat!” He smiled and Olivia could swear she just saw the face of Lucifer himself.

“This is over. The Grant administration will no longer be answering your commands at the drop of a hat. Your power here is over. You need to resign.” A booming laugh filled the room making Olivia jump.

“Sweetheart, you truly have a sense of humor. What in the world makes you think I would ever resign?”

“You don't have a choice. You have become a threat to the security of this country. Your pushing for war and uses of manipulation to get this country into a military disaster just for personal financial gain is not only against several laws, but it is a misuse of the the powers that come with being a federal official and therefore you need to be alleviated of your position. Now we can do this quietly with your reputation and company still intact or we can take this down the long road of judicial prosecution. Your choice, Hollis.” Olivia bore into his eyes without blinking during her threat and it made her feel powerful. She was dancing with the devil alright, and she was keeping up the fast pace. Hollis finished off his drink and walked over to Olivia. He was right in her face, the stench of brandy on his breath overwhelming.

“How about this: you get out of my office right now or things will happen. I don't take lightly to threats, Miss.Pope, and I have told you this before. So maybe this didn't get through the first time around, but you better watch your step. I have had it up to here with all of you. I was promised things and so far I have received nothing. Now, I don't see that as a fair bargain, do you?” She was trying to hold her ground but having Hollis in her face like this made Olivia feel so small.

“Hollis—“

“You shut your mouth.” He walked to his desk and Olivia took a few heaving breaths of somewhat fresh air. “This place needs a moral boost. And I think I have the perfect idea for how to make that happen.” She watched him secretly as he pulled out a key to unlock a drawer in his desk. She watched as he tried to discreetly place a small flip phone in his pocket.

“Hollis, this isn't right. We have to fix this!”

“Oh, don't you worry sweetheart.” He shot her another smile, this one more frightening than the other. “It will be fixed.” 


	9. Trust Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We need to talk.”
> 
> “We have nothing to talk about!” She shut her door and walked over to him. “There is absolutely nothing left to say.”
> 
> “Wrong. There is everything to say.”
> 
> “Shouldn’t you be off to see your girlfriend now? I think its Amanda today but I’m not quite sure. Its hard to keep them straight with you.”
> 
> “Amanda was not my girlfriend!”
> 
> “Girlfriend, mistress, lover, sweet baby, whatever! Does it really matter what labels we place on them anymore?” The hurt in her eyes was ripping Fitz apart. To anyone else it would just be some stupid pet name, but it was so much deeper for them. That name was a symbol of his love for her; he didn’t call her it all the time, only when her presence stole his breath and he could think of no other way to describe her but with those words…

_This was a love phenomenon_   
_No one could explain_   
_And I wish I could press reset_   
_And feel that feeling again_   
_I sit and press rewind_   
_And watch us every night_   
_Wanna pause it_   
_But I can't make it stay_   
_Just gotta let it play_

" Mr. President?" Fitz snapped back to the military briefing he had been in for the past two hours. He had drifted off about thirty minutes ago when his head of defense started going into the details of possible air strike options in Afghanistan. Fitz had no intentions of going into Afghanistan, therefore ending his need to pay attention.

"Sorry. What?"

"What course would you like to execute?" It was decision making moments like this that Fitz hated the most. Whenever everyone in the room was staring at him, waiting on his decision. No matter what decision he made no one would always be happy with it, but they would pretend because he was the head of this administration. They would just patch up their wounds quickly and allow them to fester until they grew into complete hate. Over the past couple of months there had been more than one incident of fraud going on inside his administration. Doctored photos and fake accounts were showing up on his desk, things that would force him to start a war with the middle east. This made Fitz extremely uneasy especially since it was happening on the inside and he had no clue from where. He was the leader of the military and government, what he says goes. Someone around here seemed to have missed that memo.

"No airstrikes. We wait this out, see what the Afghan government does."

"But sir—"

"No buts! We are not going to rush into another war that has no end. We just brought our troops home from Iraq last year. I will be damned if I send them back again without grave reason. That will be all for today." The meeting adjourned and Fitz headed to Cyrus's office. He was signing some papers at his desk when Fitz arrived.

"What can I do for you?" Fitz hurled himself onto the leather couch and stared at the ceiling. Talking to Cyrus was the closest thing he would get to therapy.

"I don't know what to do about Afghanistan. In my right mind, I will not send those troops over there for no reason. But there is so much pressure coming from the inside! I don't understand."

"Sir, pardon my french but fuck those trigger happy right winged nuts who would sell nudes of their mothers for an inch of political capital." Fitz laughed.

"Cyrus, did you forget that we're Republicans?"

He shrugged it off. "We aren't that far to the right. I trust in your judgement. The people voted you into office not your sponsors. Trust your gut." The last part sent Fitz's mind to Olivia and Cyrus realized it too late. Once she was there, there was no getting her out.

"How is she?" His voice was soft and even. He didn't want to seem too eager to know how Olivia was doing. It didn't matter; they both knew it would shape the rest of his day.

"She...she's good. Very busy. She got Amanda Tanner to sign the disclosure agreement so that takes care of that problem."

"Thats good." He knew seeing Amanda was hard on Olivia. Who knows what she told her about the details of their encounters. Did she tell her that when they had sex he called her sweet baby? It slipped out in a moment of weakness, the image of Olivia appearing beneath him. She probably mentioned when he told Amanda had the qualities of a great woman who could make any man happy. He imagined her stretching and misconstruing it to seem like he wanted her to become his. Amanda was no fool, and she was scorned from the burn of Fitz rejecting her. She was a threat even if she had signed that waiver and he knew it.

"Keep an eye on her. I won't trust she has been taken care of until she leaves D.C."

"As you wish, Mr. President."

"Thanks Cy." Fitz got up to leave.

"Oh, one more thing." He turned to face his friend who had an exasperated look on his face. "You might want to keep the midnight phone calls to a minimum. You're burning up the white house minutes." His mouth became dry as his confidant hurled the revelation in his face. Nothing was completely his anymore and it was really starting to piss Fitz off.

"Thats all, thank you." Cyrus dismissed him. Fitz went to the oval and poured himself a quick glass of scotch. How Cyrus knew about the midnight phone calls was perplexing Fitz. He must have people watching him. It never occurred to him that the person actually running the nation was being watched like a teenage girl sneaking around with the bad boy. But then again, he kind of was. Fitz had been calling Olivia at 12:13 every night. He chose 12:13 because after the first time they made love he briefly took his eyes off the gorgeous siren next to him and noticed the time. It was special to them in that aspect. He could always look at the clock at that time and know their history had begun in that moment. The first few calls she refused to answer, just let it ring and ring. One day she finally picked up, yelling at him and begging him to leave her alone. Eventually the reprimanding turned into listening to each other breathe—which neither side had a complaint—and now they were at conversation. He was thankful to just feel her presence even if it was over the phone.

Fitz worked until 12:12 and the moment the clock struck 13, he had the phone at his ear and was on the secure line. She picked up in five rings.

"Stop calling me."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"You didn't mention any of this when I called you last night. Whats wrong?"

She was silent for a few minutes. The tension was evident on her side.

"Sweet. Baby." His breath caught in his throat. His fears just became reality.

"Liv—"

"Sweet baby! You called her sweet baby."

"Are you going to let me explain?"

"I don't care what you have to say."

"Listen—"

"Why are you even calling me? Aren't you going to be late for your date with your  _sweet baby_?"

"Olivia—" He heard a click from her side of the line and a dial tone soon after. He hung up the phone and sat there a moment. He was so frustrated by this woman but more so by his own actions. He did this. He obliterated her trust in him and now when he was finally getting her back she was gone again. A surge of rage coursed through him and he didn't realize he hurled the contents of his desk everywhere until he saw papers floating in the air to the floor. He cannot let her go on thinking he was a scumbag.

"Tom!" In a few moments his SS agent Tom entered the office.

"Yes, Mr. President?"

"I need to go out."

"Go out where?"

"I need to run an errand."

"I can't let you do that sir."

"I'm the leader of the free world. I can do what I want."

"Technically yes, but no. You can't."

"What do I need to do to get out of here?" Tom thought for a moment. Tom had always been Fitz's biggest helper in the White House. He made sure he was on archive duty whenever he and Olivia would sneak off in moments of passion, warned him about the cameras and even now he was going to help him see him woman.

"Hal and I, two snipers, two car motorcade."

"No sirens. Or flags."

"No sirens." Tom shot him a quick smirk.

"Lets go."

* * *

Fitz felt extremely nervous as he approached her door. He had spent many nights imagining what her apartment looked like and what his first time inside would be. He wanted nothing more than to be able to just come over on a whim with Chinese take out and a cheesy action movie. His stupid security detail made sure that was never a possibility.

He brought his shaking hand to the door and knocked. He rocked back and forth on his toes as he waited. He could hear her feet approaching and took a deep breath at the sounds of the locks unhitching. She was standing in front of him in jeans and a grey sweater, a grimace mixed with shock on her face.

"What...How...?"

"Hi." He said softly. She brought her hand to her neck and rubbed it gently. For a moment her anger disappeared.

"Why are you here? You cannot be here!" Fitz pushed past her and took in her apartment. It was very modern and quaint: vintage art covered her crème colored walls, the oakwood floors made the living room comforting accompanied by the white bearskin rug.

"We need to talk."

"We have nothing to talk about!" She shut her door and walked over to him. "There is absolutely nothing left to say."

"Wrong. There is everything to say."

"Shouldn't you be off to see your girlfriend now? I think its Amanda today but I'm not quite sure. Its hard to keep them straight with you."

"Amanda was not my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend, mistress, lover, sweet baby, whatever! Does it really matter what labels we place on them anymore?" The hurt in her eyes was ripping Fitz apart. To anyone else it would just be some stupid pet name, but it was so much deeper for them. That name was a symbol of his love for her; he didn't call her it all the time, only when her presence stole his breath and he could think of no other way to describe her but with those words.

"Did you talk to her?"

"Of course I did. How else was I going to get that disclosure agreement signed for you?"

"So you looked her in the eyes."

"Whats your point."

"What did your gut tell you when you looked at her?" Olivia was about to spew another hateful comment but she stopped and thought.

"I...I felt like she couldn't be trusted."

"That she was lying?"

"That she wasn't telling the entire truth. How else would she know unless you did?"

"You can't trust what she told you! I even felt it when I broke it off with her. It was like something in her snapped and her entire demeanor changed. I was stupid to trust her before and I know its too late for me to take back all the things I told her. You can't let her break us, Liv."

"How else would she know, Fitz? I know you. I know I hurt you and you needed someone to confide in. But  _this_  isn't a repressed memory, this is something about  _us_. Something sacred and so important and you just threw it on some random girl!"

"It slipped out of me in the heat of the moment. But I was thinking about  _you_. I saw your face and I just...I lost it." She watched him. She so badly wanted to excuse the sincerity of his words, but she knew he meant the words he said. She ran her hand over her face.

"Oh, Fitz. What are we doing? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?"

"Because I love you and you love me. I could endure all the humiliation and pain in the world for you."

"I deserve the chance to move on. To find is someone..."

"Stop it." He wrapped her in his arms and she melted into him. "I will not lose you again. I made a mistake and I don't know how to fix it or fix the hole she created in us. But I will work endlessly until I figure it out. Don't you get flaky on me, Olivia."

"I don't know how to trust you." She broke away from him and sat on the couch. Fitz couldn't watch the pained expression on her face anymore so he walked to the window and looked out at the nighttime skyline. They stayed like this for awhile, neither of them moving, just drowning in their thoughts.

"Time." Olivia said quietly. "I need time...To think about things. To clean-up some things. Seeing you or hearing from you is just going to complicate my life right now." Fitz didn't turn to face her; he couldn't. He couldn't give her space, he needed to at least hear her voice each day.

"You should get back. Its almost sunrise and you need to beat the press home."

"I guess you're right." She got off the couch and he met her halfway at the center of the living room. A million things were going through his mind and he was going crazy over the fact that he would leave her and once again be cut off from her.

"Liv, I—"

"Fitz,  _please_." There was so much desperation in her eyes that he couldn't refuse her. Fitz already knew he could wait eternity for this woman, so what was a little while longer? But he couldn't leave her like this.

"One minute?" The mention of their most precious moments brought a small smirk to her lips.

"One minute." Fitz smiled and landed on her plush couch. She snuggled in next to him eagerly. Relief rushed over Fitz as she rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his middle. He pulled her closer to him and rested his hands on her thigh. They sat in their small moment of bliss, no words ever needing to be spoken. In these sixty seconds they were no longer a couple torn apart by unfortunate circumstances or betrayal. He was no longer the President of the United States and she no longer the Fixer. They were Fitz and Liv, two people in love. As Fitz cherished the remaining moments of being able to call Olivia his once again, he had all the reassurance in the world.

As long as there were sixty seconds on the clock.

Everything would be alright.


	10. Watch it Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia rolled on her back and thought long and hard about her life. She had this great man sleeping next to her who loved her and wanted to be with her. Who could be with her. Yet she wasn't happy. She was accustomed to smiling when she wanted to cry, able to toss her head back and laugh when things were the farthest from funny. She knew she could spend the remainder of her life this way; pretending. But, she didn't want to pretend anymore. Her life has been a lie since that night on that campaign trail plane...

_Wish I could tell you goodbye,_   
_But I won't, 'cause every time that I try_   
_I can't let go, I'm begging you to_   
_Un love me, un love me, un love me._   
_'Cause I can't un love you._

_~Leona Lewis_

"I can't believe we are here!" Olivia smiled and took a sip of her champagne. Edison was gazing at her from across the table the food on his fork long forgotten.

"Why is that? This  _is_  our fifth date."

"Its exactly that! All those months of hunting you down and asking you over and over again. You were so adamant on not letting me take you out then one day everything changed. Its interesting what persistence can do." Olivia smiled weakly and looked off into the distance. She told Fitz that she needed time to think things over. Edison had begun pursuing her again and with everything happening she just wanted a taste of normal. She was happy with Edison. He engaged her in intellectual discussion and could make her laugh. He was sweet and gentle with her, years of experience helping immensely. He still loved her after all these years and a part of her still felt adoration for him. Somewhere.

"Oh! By the way, I got our tickets for the President's birthday gala tomorrow night." Olivia's attention was brought back immediately.

"Excuse me?"

"The president's birthday? Its tomorrow."

"Yes I am well aware." He had no idea how aware of this she was. She still had the present she bought for him last year in the back of her closet. She resigned before his birthday and no longer had a reason to give it to him. "My excuse me was referring to the 'our'. Were you expecting us to go together?"

"Umm, yes?" The look of confusion on Edison's face irritated Olivia. Things were getting a bit more serious with Edison (she gave him a key) and she was doing her best to stay open and let down her walls, but the thought of being seen with him at public events was frightening to her. Probably because Fitz would be able to see them. The thought of him knowing she was in a relationship and that conversation made her sick.

"Edison, honey, you are the senate majority leader! You cannot be seen out with a professional fixer."

"Says who? You have protected reputations of majority of the old farts that will be at the party!"

"That isn't the point."

"The point is that you are  _my_ girlfriend and I want to show you off!" Something about Edison calling Olivia "his" sat with her in the wrong way. She didn't like how the words sounded rolling off his tongue. It only sounded right coming from that silky baritone...

"Edison—" She was cut off by the ringing of her phone. She took it off the table and answered it quickly. "Speak to me Huck."

"She's gone."

"Who?"

"Amanda Tanner. She's gone."

"What do you mean she is gone?"

"I can't find her anywhere. I switched surveillance for maybe an hour to do some clean-up on another client, turn back and she is gone. Phone number dead, apartment abandoned. She isn't at her parents and there are no cars under her name. All the cameras within two blocks show no signs of her. She vanished." Olivia swallowed slowly as she allowed the reality of the situation wash over her. Something was wrong; her gut was doing somersaults.

"What does this mean?"

"It looks like someone, a professional, got to Amanda." She hung up the phone and grabbed her purse quickly.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"I have to go."

"We aren't finished talking!"

"I know and I am sorry. We can talk later, alright?" She kissed him on the cheek quickly and stormed out of the restaurant. As she drove to the office her mind was racing. Who would to take or worse kill Amanda? It had been almost two months since she had her sign the disclosure agreement and she hadn't said a peep. She never moved like she said she would, instead finding a job at a coffee shop. This didn't sit well with Cyrus but Olivia managed to get him to agree to be on his best behavior.

"How does someone just vanish?" Olivia screamed as she stepped into the office. Huck was waiting for her at the door. "None of this makes sense!"

"Whoever took her is good and I mean really good." He showed her the blank surveillance from her apartment and areas surrounding it. No sign of her.

"Huck, how could someone take her and there not be any sign of it? You didn't see any signs of struggle in her apartment?"

"Her apartment is a struggle. Hasn't been cleaned in lord knows how long."

"None of this makes sense! Her phone and everything just cut off? She couldn't have been taken. A hit man would never put in all that work." They sat in silence trying to crack the conundrum but to no avail. Olivia knew it was too late to try to squeeze anything out of Cyrus so she decided to regroup in the morning. She tried to coax Huck home but he felt responsible for Amanda going missing and vowed to search until he found her. Olivia constantly asked herself how she managed to find such dedicated gladiators for her team. They give up so much for her and she really questioned why sometimes. She saved them from their tribulations, sure, but she has placed them in so many risky situations yet they follow her blindly. If they had any idea all the things she has done in the name of the greater "good"? She did her best to shrug it off as she walked to her car.

* * *

`"Liv, what are you doing here? Its late." Verna coughed as Liv sat by her side. Verna was laying in the hospital bed playing with the IV in her right arm. The color had been sucked from her skin, a pasty white color. The wig she had been donning recently was resting on the table next to her bed.

"I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Well enough to attend the President's birthday gala tomorrow. I know you came here to persuade me to stay here."

"You need your rest, Verna. A party is the last place you need to be in your condition."

"I have cancer, not the plague. I refuse to be held captive by it." Liv threw her hands up in submission. There was no stopping Verna when she was determined. It was something that they had in common. "Are you going."

"Doubtful. I do my best to steer clear of any white house function unless necessary."

"They miss you there desperately, you know."

"I miss them too. It just hurts too much. Being there knowing what we did...I didn't deserve to be there."

"None of us deserve it yet here we are reaping the benefits. Not so much in my case." She let out a long and painful cough that made even Olivia wince. She felt nothing but sorrow for her mentor as she lay in distress.

"Verna...do you regret it?"

"There is no point in wasting time on the past. We made the decision together. There is no changing it now."

"Tell me that it doesn't eat away at you everyday? That defying everything this great country stands for, everything the people believe in? That doesn't kill you?"

"Liv, I'm already dying. No need to bury myself any earlier with guilt."

"I just...It feels like something is going to go wrong. I can't shake this feeling that everything is coming to a head. That we're in danger." She searched Verna's face for any signs of agreement. She saw a flash run across her face.

"Hollis. He has been acting strange lately. Hasn't talked to any of us in a few months but has been quite buddy buddy with Langston."

"Cyrus has already told me this."

"Did you know that he keeps two phones in his office? One locked in a drawer with a key only he holds?"

"So I'm not crazy?" She remembered her last meeting with Hollis and how he tried to sneak that phone from his desk. Olivia threw it off as a figment of her imagination. "I saw him sneak it out of his desk the last time I saw him!"

"I don't trust him, Liv. I've seen him on it and it looks very secretive. I agree with you. I feel like something is going wrong. And whatever it is, I wouldn't be surprised if its Hollis's doing."

* * *

She had just settled in bed with a glass of red wine when the phone rang.

12:13.

"Dammit, Fitz." She said under her breath. "What?" She seethed when she picked up the phone. He didn't respond. "Fitz?"

"You need time?" His voice was quivering with anger.

"What?"

"You told me that you needed time. To get things in order and all that shit. I didn't realize a boyfriend was part of getting your house in order." Shit, how did he know?

"How did—are you...are you having me followed?"

"Of all the people, you had to choose Edison? Him? Why him?"

"That is none of your business! Mr. President, you are out of line!"

"I am the ruler of the free world I am  _never_ out of line!" He shouted commanding her silence. He was so hurt and it was killing her. She could her the clinking sounds of ice on a glass as he finished off a glass of scotch.

"Its my birthday tomorrow." The tone in his voice had dropped drastically. The loneliness was more evident.

"I know."

"They're making me have this huge party."

"I know."

"Are you coming?"

"I don't know."

"With Edison?"

"I don't know." He scoffed.

"You are Olivia Pope. 'I don't know' isn't a phrase allowed in your vocabulary."

"I haven't decided yet."

"I want you there."

"For what? So you can try to get your hands up my skirt? No thank you."

"Don't act like you would fight me if I tried." He knew how to snatch the air from her lungs even from over the phone. She hated him in this moment.

"You don't own me anymore. I moved on, I got over you. I don't need time anymore because I realized that being with you was detrimental to me. Its over." He chuckled which made her more upset. "What is so fucking funny?"

"You! You really want me to believe that you stopped loving me? That Edison is everything you want in life? That he is everything you ever dreamed of? I may be naïve but I am far from stupid." She was seething now. Why didn't he believe her? Why didn't she believe herself?

"You know what you are? You are a spoiled little manchild who can't take not getting his way. This is over. We are over. Do not ever call me asking to clean up your messes, don't ever call me just to hear my voice. Lose my number and forget I even exist." She slammed the phone on the hook and rolled onto her stomach to scream into her pillow. Everything was falling apart at a rapid pace. She hated Fitz with every ounce of her, but not because he was acting like a selfish prick. She hated him because she knew he could never be hers regardless if she waited eternity for him. He would always belong to the country and their scrutiny, to his legacy and his political monster of a wife. Most of all she hated herself because she the made it this way.

"Liv, you up?" She heard Edison call from the front door. She groaned and quickly pretended to sleep. Olivia was constantly asking herself why she gave that man a key to her home. She felt the pressure of Edison's body on the right side of the bed. He was hoovering over her, watching her. She felt his lips on her cheek. He turned out the light and settled in next to her. She didn't open her eyes until she heard him snoring softly.

Olivia rolled on her back and thought long and hard about her life. She had this great man sleeping next to her who loved her and wanted to be with her. Who  _could_ be with her. Yet she wasn't happy. She was accustomed to smiling when she wanted to cry, able to toss her head back and laugh when things were the farthest from funny. She knew she could spend the remainder of her life this way; pretending. But, she didn't want to pretend anymore. Her life has been a lie since that night on that campaign trail plane. Her white hat has long since been snatched from her head and she couldn't find a viable replacement for the anguish and resentment she felt. On top of it all, her gut has been so terribly off these days. Clients were getting lies past her left and right while her team had to pick up the slack. Everyone knew something was wrong with her and Olivia had no clue how long she could keep up her tough front. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she realized her life was falling apart. She couldn't shake off this feeling that the world was about to crumble.

And crumble it would.


	11. Fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watched as Olivia took Senator Davis's arm and he wrapped his free one around her waist. She leaned into him, a genuine smile on her face. He was looking down at her as if she were the sun and stars. They looked happy. They looked like a real couple. A couple that could be together in the flashbulbs of the media and in broad daylight. Fitz felt his heart tremble in his chest, the realization that she really had moved on making him weak. She meant what she said on the phone last night. She was done with him and he had no choice but to be done with her too. But that was impossible.

_Every time I try to grasp for air, I am smothered in despair it's never over, over_   
_Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer_   
_Let it be over, over_   
_Inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more_   
_Now what to do, my heart has been bruised, so sad but it's true_   
_Each beat reminds me of you_   
_~Christina Aguilera_

"Happy birthday, Fitz!" Mellie pulled him in for a staged hug as the cameras of the press sent of millions of flashes. He smiled gratefully.

"Thank you, honey." He placed a light kiss on her lips then turned back to the cameras.

"How does it feel to be the big five-o?" A reporter shouted out.

"Older than ever." His response cause an eruption of polite laughter. Fitz made eye contact with Diane, the white house publicist, and nodded.

"Alright everyone! Let the President have some private time. Plenty of time for photos at the gala tonight!" Diane and the reporters left the oval leaving Fitz with his lovely wife.

"Tell me again why I am being forced to have this stupid gala? Isn't the birthday boy supposed to choose what he does on his name day?"

"Because the leader of the free world is loved by many and people would like to celebrate his special day with him! And when was the last time you were allowed to make a decision for yourself, dear?" She smiled at him, her eyes mocking him.

"I don't want to go."

"Why not."

"Because I don't."

"is it because she will be there?" Their eyes were centered on each other, their gazes jam packed with resentment and hatred.

"She isn't going."

"Oh, she is. I checked the list. She is coming with Senator Davis." That evil smile reappeared and Fitz had this annoying desire to wrap his hands around her throat.

"I hate you."

"Oh, poor Fitzy sad cause his ex-girlfriend found a new boy? There are more fish in the sea, you proved that with Amanda Tanner." It wasn't a minute past eight in the morning and Fitz needed a drink. He made his way to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a glass. "It really is sad. A grown man driving himself crazy over some bimbo. And for what? A man with all the power in the  _world_  is sad because he can't see his campaign trail sweetheart. You are so weak, Fitzgerald! Grow up! Be a man! Be the president! Get. Over. Her."

"Millicent, you stop—"

"GET OVER HER!" She roared. Her rage caught Fitz completely off guard, so much so that he almost dropped his drink. He put it on the table as a safety measure. Mellie composed herself and reapplied her smile. " _Sweetie_ , please try to enjoy your day. So much hard work and effort is being done in the name of your birth. Try to be a little appreciative." She left him alone with his sorrow and his brown liquid. Mellie was good at that; breaking him down then leaving his mind to finish off whatever dignity was left. Fitz was a waste of space: his father let him know this since he was a child, Mellie reminded him everyday and now Olivia had found out as well. She lived in denial about this fact for years; she believed in his character and blamed it on Fitz being damaged goods from childhood repression. She learned the hard way that Fitz could do nothing right. It was a surprise that he was capable of taking a breathe without screwing something up.

Fitz finished his liquid in one gulp then went about his day. It was his birthday and he was President. He wanted to drown himself in a tub of liquor instead of pretending to be happy and alive. But you can't always have what you want.

* * *

"Mr. President!" Hollis Doyle pulled Fitz in for a hug as he walked into the dining room. Cyrus and Mellie planned a more intimate dinner to precede the gala that included just close friends. Olivia was invited but declined the invitation.

" . How's that energy coming?"

"Business is a boomin'!" They laughed heartily and walked to the table together. "How is your birthday coming?"

"Busy, thats for sure. World doesn't stop having issues just because I was born a million years ago today."

"Hey, if you are a million then lord knows what that makes me!" Fitz always enjoyed Hollis's company. He was a snake but he sure knew how to make him laugh. "You're lookin' a little down. Somethin' eatin' away atcha?"

"Just tired, I guess."

"Well, I'm sure the gala tonight will be...explosive. Wake your ass right on up!" Hollis gave him a smile that made Fitz's stomach flip slightly. He shook it off as the took their seats.

The meal was enjoyable, filled with great conversation and reminiscing. Talk of capital hill was left at the door in favor of more humorous topics. Gossip and dreams for the future were rampant and Fitz enjoyed that. He couldn't keep his eyes off the empty chair across from him. Olivia could be sitting there at this exact moment refusing to make eye contact with him. He could hear her hearty laugh, not the real one but the one used specifically for appeasing those around her. He could picture the amused smile that would take over the lower half of her face but leave her eyes wanting. Wanting to not hate him and to give into the joy she felt just breathing the same air as him. Even if she would be avoiding him, he just wanted to see her.

"Fitz, tell us the story again." He snapped back to the conversation as Verna talked to him excitedly.

"Which one?"

"Oh you know which! Defiance!" The table agreed and cheered him on. They all loved to hear him speak of the night the impossible happened. The night he won the presidential election.

"Are you sure you want to hear it again?" A collective yes was heard from everyone around the table. "Alright. We were still down by three points by the time polls opened. The chances at this point were what broadway plays are made of. The votes start to roll in throughout the day, we were never counted out but never near a lead. By the time the polls were all closed, we were down by 6,560 votes. It all came down to one small town in Ohio; Defiance. It all came down to this po-dunk no name town and six thousand votes. So we waited and we pulled our hair out as the votes came in and they announced it. I can remember the headline clear as day: Governor Fitzgerald Grant takes Ohio by 4,496 votes to become the 44th President of the United States. I will never forget that day. The day I realized that nothing is for certain. Anything can change with hard work and faith!" The table erupted in cheers and applause. He always told the story with such conviction.

"What an incredible story." Hollis said with a laugh. "Some kind of miracle." He and Verna stole a look, one that was quite suspicious. It was telling almost, but of what Fitz could not decide.

* * *

Fitz sat in the limo reading emails on his phone while Mellie looked out the window. He was enjoying the silence though he would be much happier sitting in the oval in his favorite Navy shirt and sweats.

"Are you going to embarrass me tonight?" He was instantly annoyed that Mellie decided to speak and ruin the silence.

"Of course not. I will be on my best behavior."

"Good." He went back to his phone when he felt her hand on his arm. "Fitz." He looked at her, the softness in his voice shocking him slightly. "I really do want you to enjoy yourself tonight. This gala is for you. To celebrate you and what a great man you are. You truly are a great man." Her gentleness in this moment was something he had not seen from her in years. A glimmer of the woman he once loved was resting in her eyes. He smiled at her.

"I will. I am grateful. For this night and all you have done for me. Really, Mellie, I am." He took her hand in his and kissed it lightly. This moment of sweetness between them was...it was actually nice. Fitz missed tender moments like this and it comforted him. He suddenly felt excitement for the night ahead of him.

The limo came to a stop and the flash of cameras was seen through the window. Fitz place his phone in the breast pocket of his jacket and decided to take a long look outside before opening the door. His hand was on the door ready to open when he saw her. A vision she was in a long crème gown with gold detailing at the bodice. The gold accents made her mocha skin shimmer with a light ethereal glow, her medium length hair straightened to perfection around her face. Fitz could feel his mouth watering like a dog in heat. He pushed the door open and forgot about Mellie, desperate to get to his Livvie and touch her. But he was stopped in his tracks. He watched as Olivia took Senator Davis's arm and he wrapped his free one around her waist. She leaned into him, a genuine smile on her face. He was looking down at her as if she were the sun and stars. They looked happy. They looked like a real couple. A couple that could  _be_  together in the flashbulbs of the media and in broad daylight. Fitz felt his heart tremble in his chest, the realization that she really had moved on making him weak. She meant what she said on the phone last night. She was done with him and he had no choice but to be done with her too. But that was impossible.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out quickly, thankful to not have to look at the golden angel any longer.

"Hello?"

"Do you love her?" A dark voice came through the line, somewhat familiar but unknown to Fitz.

"What? Who is this?"

"She sure is a vision in that gold dress. I have to say, I like her with the straight hair. What do you think, Fitz?" He returned his gaze to Olivia who was answering a question from a reporter while Edison kept watch. Fear was running through Fitz's veins.

"Who is this?"

"You look at her like you love her. You never looked at me that way. I was never your sweet baby, was I?"

"Amanda?"

"I was never your sweet baby!" She screamed and the line went dead.  
"Amanda? Amanda where are you? What are you going to do? Amanda!" Something was wrong, so very wrong. He could feel it all over him. A feeling that has been with him since he woke up this morning. He needed to get to her; she was in danger. Fitz still had the phone to his ear when Olivia met his eyes. Every emotion imaginable was exchanged between them:hurt, anger, longing, lust... She held onto Edison tighter. Fitz dropped his phone and started for the couple when he felt Mellie's hand on his arm.

"There you are! You didn't wait for me to get out the car." She said through smiling teeth.

"Mellie, not now. I need to talk to—"

"Jesus Christ, Fitzgerald! You see her and lose your shit? Come on!"

"No this is serio—"

The lights went out. They were outside but suddenly without warning all possible light vanished. Fitzgerald felt nothing; no pain. Everything just black. He heard no sounds but instead was wrapped in a blanket of complete mind numbing silence. Fitzgerald had no thoughts, he wasn't capable of thinking. He instead felt complete calm. Total peace.

 


	12. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Olivia? Liv, honey, you have to get up." Cyrus whispered quickly in her ear. He was kneeling next to her, his strong arms holding her shoulders trying to pick her up. She fought him. Her idea of object permanence had completely left her: Fitz no longer existed after turning that corner. She wanted to stay here on this supposedly sanitary linoleum floor and mourn for the loss of her life...

_All at once,_   
_I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that_   
_Your not coming back_   
_And it finally hit me all at once_   
_All at once,_   
_I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell_   
_My eyes began to swell,_   
_And all my dreams were shattered all at once_   
_~Whitney Houston_

She couldn't tell if the air was reaching her lungs, the heaving of her chest and tightness in her heart making her think it wasn't. She couldn't get the image out of her mind, no matter how many times she blinked or slapped her head. She just wanted a quick glance, one more moment to see his majestic face. Sixty more seconds of bliss. It happened so fast Olivia didn't even know what she was witnessing.

_Fitz's head shot back as a large pop sounded in the crowd. Blood exploded everywhere as the pop sounded again, hitting its mark perfectly. The life in his face was gone in milliseconds. Tom dragged his body back to the limo quickly as Hal grabbed screaming Mellie and followed suit. She could see blood pouring from Hal's left shoulder. Olivia felt arms around her tugging her to the cold cement as another two shots sounded. She was so confused, so shocked._

Fitz was shot.

Someone shot Fitz.

 _In the head_.

She just witnessed the love of her life get gunned down in front of hundreds of people and cameras. She just witnessed the love of her life get shot in the head. The thoughts were running on a harsh cycle in her head and it wasn't making sense. It couldn't be true. While Edison lay over her as protection her eyes wandered to the spot where moments ago he was standing, watching her. Fitz's blood was splattered across the cement, a medium sized puddle laying dormant where he fell. Without thought or warning a painful guttural screech left Olivia's throat. It was the sound of complete agony, of loss and fear. The sound of a world without him.

* * *

Olivia paced in circles outside the sectioned off work area. She could hear Mellie screaming at doctors from behind the curtain, demanding to know what was happening and what they were doing to her husband. She could hear doctors screaming orders, suggestions and words of encouragement to Fitz.

"Stay with us, !"

"You cannot die! The country needs you!"

"Someone shut the first lady up!"

She paced faster and faster until she felt her head begin to spin. Fitz was laying on a gurney behind that curtain. He was dying. Fitz was dying and the last thing she said to him was that he was a bad man, for her and in life. She didn't believe anything she said but she knew he did. He always struggled with knowing his worth. And now he was dying. Olivia felt so guilty. She only came to the gala with Edison to make him jealous. She did her best to look as stunning as possible, knowing the mere sight of her would torture Fitz the entire night. She was mad at him, but for what? For loving her? For making a stupid decision in a moment of weakness? What kind of hypocrite was she to criticize and hate him for hurting her when she had done far worse?

The sound of the curtain being pulled back stopped Olivia in her tracks. Two doctors were holding Mellie and carrying her away as the remaining five pushed Fitz from the area and down the hall. As he passed her the world began to move in slow motion. His body was completely drained of life and color, his chest barely rising with the artificial air being pumped to his lungs. His eyes were shut, but not in that peaceful way he always looked when he slept. The white bandages wrapped twofold around his head were stained with his blood. He looked...dead. Olivia so badly wanted to reach out and touch his hand.

"Fitz." She whimpered. Time went back to normal and he was being wheeled away from her at a rapid pace. Her legs began to follow them. "Fitz." It left her louder this time, audible by the secret service agents around her. She knew this was the last time she would see him alive and her soul was shattering. The pace of the gurney was picking up, and Olivia knew she could never catch them in these shoes.

"Fitz!" She wailed, all eyes watching as she fell to her knees and began to sob. She wailed and watched as they turned a corner, out of sight. Olivia didn't find it possible to care how this all looked. Her heart was imploding inside her chest and she wanted the world to know.

"Olivia? Liv, honey, you have to get up." Cyrus whispered quickly in her ear. He was kneeling next to her, his strong arms holding her shoulders trying to pick her up. She fought him. Her idea of object permanence had completely left her: Fitz no longer existed after turning that corner. She wanted to stay here on this supposedly sanitary linoleum floor and mourn for the loss of her life.

"Do you have any idea how you look right now? You are Olivia Pope. You do not cry for anyone or situation. You are the strongest woman this town has ever seen. I understand you are scared but we are all  _petrified_." She opened her eyes and saw the fear on Cyrus's face through her blurry tears. She did look ridiculous and no matter how badly she wanted to reject it all and succumb to her emotions, she had to be strong. Gladiators do not falter in the hurried moments of battle.

Olivia tossed her head back and wiped her tears away. She allowed Cyrus to help her to her feet and she wiped the dust from her dress. Her body went rigid as she realized the stains on her dress wouldn't go away. It wasn't dust on her gown, but Fitz's blood.

"Cy...I...I—"

"Hey! Its alright. You are alright. Don't look down. Look at me. Liv, look at me." She tilted her head up and captured his gaze. "I need you to just hold on for me. Just hold it together. You have to hold it together." She nodded, a draft causing a shiver to move through her body. She wondered if it was Fitz's spirit passing through her on his way to heaven. "There were others."

"How many?"

"Two."

"I saw Hal. Who else." He was silent as he averted her eyes. He ran his hands through his hair quickly.

"Verna." Her hand flew to her mouth to cover the sob that was attempting to escape. She shook her head in disbelief. His refusal to meet her eyes confirmed the inevitable. Verna was dead on arrival. Olivia pushed her sorrow into the depths of her diaphragm and took a deep breath.

"Jesus." Olivia had that familiar feeling of fear come over her. That feeling that has been following her for weeks, the one she could never place her finger on. She felt responsible for this tragedy somehow. "Cy, I can't even begin to think of where we go from here."

"We need to get to the white house. The press is going wild. The American people...this was all live, Liv." The reminder that all of America was watching this gala and witnessed their president get shot was the kick she needed to push her personal turmoil behind her. The people needed reassurance that everything would be alright. She was a gladiator and gladiators never place themselves first. The trauma was haunting her, but she was able to shove it all in the pits of herself. She had a job to do.

* * *

"Are you there yet?" Olivia was balancing the phone on her shoulder while she attempted to change out of this ridiculous dress and into one of her more comfortable black suits that she had a white house aide grab from her apartment.

"Its impossible to get around the blockade, Olivia. This is the FBI, not the local PD." Harrison said to her softly. She inhaled deeply. That was the only way she was surviving without breaking down. Deep shallow breathing instead of quick and short.  _Inhale._ _Exhale. Repeat._

"I don't care what you have to do, I need you guys to get onto that scene."

"Why can't we let the FBI handle this? This is way out of what we do, Liv."

"No! I..." Olivia didn't know what to say. How could she explain that she had a hand in getting the president shot? That this was all somewhat her fault and she had no idea to solve it? "You have to trust me."

"I always trust your gut, but this...this is so big."

"Harrison." He sighed in submission.

"Is there anything that we need to look for specifically? Did you see anything before he was shot?" She pulled up the camera reel of the shooting, a moment she had been trying to forget all night. She could only recall standing there, one moment he was standing tall, the next he was down and incapacitated. Then it hit her.

"The phone! He was talking on his phone and he dropped it! Whoever he was talking too was stressing him out because he had a frightened look on his face."

"Alright, I'll get Huck on it."

"Thank you." She ended the call and took a few more deep breaths before stepping back into the madness that was the oval office. Cyrus was screaming at Sally Langston for a reason Olivia was unsure of.

"Cyrus, you are out of line!" Sally countered. She was no match when Cyrus was like this. He was enraged, emotional and irrational.

"No,  _you_  are out of line! You are not the President of the United States!"

"He has a bullet in his head! He cannot effectively lead and this country needs leadership!"

"Yes, from the President the people elected! I don't know why this isn't making it through your thick Bible thumping skull!"

"Cyrus!" Olivia stepped in. "Calm down. We're all emotionally charged right now. Everyone needs to calm down!"

"There is no calming down when this wench is trying to steal the presidency before they can even cut Fitz open!"

"No one is stealing anything!" Billy Chambers and Hollis Doyle entered the room looking a little too cozy.

"What are you doing here, Doyle?" Cyrus was eyeing him. He had never been too fond of Hollis, and with good reason.

"Just comin' to observe all the ruckus. Whats the issue?"

"This is none of your concern."

"Oh, but it is. Billy?" Billy walked a bound folder over to Sally.

"All the signatures you needed, Madame President."

"Thank you, Billy."

"What the hell is going on?" Olivia interjected, beyond confused. Everything was happening so fast and her head was beginning to spin.  _Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._

"Well, this folder holds the eight signatures from the cabinet required to transfer the presidency in effect immediately. So, Cyrus, I am now interim president of this country. Now get out of my office!" Cyrus stood stiffly, arms at his sides and mouth agape. Olivia had never seen him so defeated. In an instant the energy surged through him as he lunged at the new president.

"Cyrus!" He didn't touch her, but he was so close to her that their noses were touching.

"This is  _not_  over. You think you're good? You think you won this war? This is just beginning!" He grabbed Olivia's hand and took her out the oval. She couldn't ignore the Cheshire grin Hollis gave her as she dragged from the room. Cyrus led her to his office and shit the door.

"Cy—"

"It was Hollis. It had to be Hollis!"

"Think about what you are saying!"

"Look at him! He's practically got his doggy bed settled at the door of the Oval! He was with Billy to get those signatures. He was acting strangely at the dinner before the gala, too! He told us he was going to get his end of the investment by any means necessary."

"Cy, do you really think he would go this far? Having Fitz... Trying to..." Olivia could't bring herself to say the words "shot" or "killed" in the same breath as his name. It would make it too real.  _Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._

"It makes too much sense to not be true."

"What do we do? I have my team searching but, this is getting a bit deep for me."

"We don't have that right anymore, Liv. We put Fitz in the ring with the bull and he got hurt. We have to fix it!"

"How! I can barely breathe right now. The man I love is dying on some fucking table and its all my fault! I don't know how to fix this!"

"No, don't do that." He walked over and took her hands in his, squeezing them with great force. "Don't you give up on him. He loves you. He calls you the love of his  _life_. You do not reserve the right to just sit back and weep. You have to fight. He is fighting to live for this country. He is fighting to live for  _you_. So don't you do him the injustice of giving up on him. We have already done that to him once. He doesn't deserve that from us again."

Olivia realized her breathing was becoming rapid again.  _Inhale. Exhale_.  _Repeat._  She thought of her beloved laying in surgery and decided the only option was survival.

Olivia had danced with devil to protect Fitz and she got burned.

But Fitz was going to survive this.

And she was going to make the devil pay.

 


	13. Lost Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you mean? This is what you want! You wanted to become governor. You want to become President. I'm making this happen! I gave up my career, my ambitions to make things happen for you! I am giving you what you want!" It was this moment that he realized he had lost her. He always thought the presidency was the ultimate thing for him, but it wasn't. He just wanted something to love and never leave him. He wanted his wife to understand him and to cherish him even with his deep flaws. He wanted happiness and this was not it.

_You used to be this boy I loved_   
_And I used to be this girl of your dreams_   
_Who knew the course of this one drive_   
_Injured us fatally_   
_You took the best years of my life_   
_I took the best years of your life_   
_Felt like love struck me in the night_   
_I pray that love don't strike twice_   
_~Rihanna_

_**2000** _

"Fitz? Fitz, honey, come inside." Mellie's soft voice called to him from the patio door leading into the kitchen. He chose to ignore her calls to the house. He couldn't go back in there, not while his father was still within the vicinity. Fitz reclined underneath the large maple tree and pulled the bottle of whiskey to his chest. It was a classic that had only been opened three times since he received it from Big Jerry on his graduation from Harvard Law; the afternoon of his nuptials, and the nights Karen and Jerry were respectively born. When the night began the bottle was only a 1/4 gone, but throughout the stressful evening it was now sitting 3/4 empty. Big Jerry's presence always made Fitz irrationally thirsty.

He could hear the wails of his six month old son from the nursery. Even in his drunken state he felt compelled to rise and stumble up the steps to nurture the young boy. The boy his wife so adamantly wanted to be named after the man he loathed. The man who broke him. Fitz knew Hilary, their au pair, would be there within moments. They were more than capable of taking care of their children even with their busy schedules. Alas, Mellie wasn't the nurturing type and she wanted Fitz to concentrate on making his transition from law to politics. Plus, she wanted the children to be fluent in German by age six.

"Fitzgerald." He watched as the stunning brunette kneeled in front of him with concern and annoyance in her eyes. Annoyance was more prevalent, but he held onto the concern.

"Look at yourself. You are a mess! Why do you always do this when Dad comes?" Fitz scoffed and took another swig. He swished the liquor in his mouth, savoring the exhilaration the burn brought him.

"Dad? Mellie, I have not referred to Jerry as  _dad_  in over thirty years."

"He tells me to call him Dad."

"Guess he reserves that right for the people he gives a shit about. Always  _yes sir_  or  _no sir_. I thought his name was sir until I was a teenager. Then I just called him asswipe Jerry." His words were slurring together slightly, but Fitz could articulate almost perfectly. He was wasn't a stranger to this rodeo.

"He just wants to help us, honey." She pried the bottle from his hands and pushed it aside. She pulled his head into her lap and stroked his curls gently. He sighed deeply from the pleasure of her gentle hands in his head. The gesture had evolved from a sacred act of love to a tactic to get her way. Regardless, he relished in the moment.

"He knows how the world of politics work! He can get us in the door!"

"Mellie, I am beyond drunk right now. You really want to talk future plans with me?"

"You never want to talk about it!" She pushed him off her lap sending stars around his eyes.

"Ow!"

"Fitzgerald, this is serious. We have a timeline and you are screwing it up with your foolishness!" His head was starting to hurt from the volume of her voice. He wanted "gentle approach" Mellie back. "We made these plans together, remember? Marriage, then two kids two years apart. Now its time for the next step!"

"You are giving me a headache. Can we talk about this in the morning?"

She groaned in frustration.

"You know, I really think you over exaggerate how badly Jerry is to you. You provoke him! He just wants to be there for you and you are stuck on a few bad childhood experiences." Fitz had the bottle in his hands and had risen to his feet in one swift movement. He knew better than to stay in this situation when he was like this. He was drunk and when his father was in the mix it was always ugly.

"Do not walk away!" She yelled after him. He could hear her footsteps close behind. He turned swiftly to look at her.

"You  _know_ better! You know what my childhood was like! Or lack thereof."

"I know. I'm sorry. I said it out of frustration and I apologize. But sometimes you have to buck up and look at what needs to be done." She took his hand and squeezed it. "This is your destiny, baby. Sometimes you have to do what you don't like in order to reach your potential. Understand?" He nodded. There was a good chance he wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning. Mellie took the bottle again and led him towards the house. Jerry was sitting at the island reading something on his ipad. He smiled when they walked back inside.

"Well look what the Beauty found! Beast!" He laughed hysterically. He was always laughing at his awful puns and insults. They were never funny.

"Jerry, Fitz is in no place to talk tonight so why don't you come back tomorrow?"

"Mellie, I don't—"

"Nonsense!" Jerry interjected. "Better to talk to a man when drunk. Thats when they're most honest."

"You would be well versed in that, huh?" Fitz spit out. Fitz just wanted his father to leave so he could sleep. He was too exhausted to be angry and his ability to hold his diction together was leaving him.

"See, thats your problem, kid. You get too attached to things. You still holding onto a few incidents decades ago?"

"A  _few_? The once a month I would see you, you'd always be hammered! And with a different secretary each time, might I add." Fitz was growing thirsty again.

"Fitzgerald, you are out of line!" Mellie said sternly. Where was the supportive woman that was holding him up two minutes ago?

"Stay out of this, Mellie."

"Absolutely not! Jerry is a guest in our home! You are drunk and need to leave. Now." He watched as the woman who was just coddling him went to the side of the man who ruined his life and asked him if there was anything he needed. This had to be a hallucination courtesy of the whiskey. He was drowning.

"Mel." His voice cracked with the onset of tears. He needed her arms to envelop him again like those nights in the small apartment on Morgan street. The nights when memories of his father's harsh words would wake him in his sleep and send him pacing and doubting himself. She was always there with encouragement and love. Over the years the encouragement began to wain into commands and the love was being replaced by "civil duties".

" _Go."_ Mellie waved him off and continued to tend to his father. Fitz grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the counter and struggled his way up to their bedroom. He sat on the bed and drank his thoughts away until he passed out. He so desperately wanted to forget this evening, but his mind had a way of keeping the nightmares he wanted to vanish around. This night would torture him just as the other nights like this have. His Mellie was vanishing before his eyes, another soul stolen by his demon of a father. She was becoming him.

Or had she been this way from the beginning?

* * *

**2008**

"I said no!"

"Once again, I ask why not." Fitz looked at the blank face of his wife, disgust bubbling inside of him. They were screaming at each other, per usual, and he prayed the kids couldn't hear them.

"Boarding school? Are you insane? Why would I send my children thousands of miles away when they are getting a great education here?"

"It would look great to reporters! They would be going to the school specifically for the children of the political greats! This is the school they would attend if and when you become president. That sends the right message!"

"No! I am not sending them away for political capital, Mellie!"

"Fitz, the children  _are_  political capital! Do you remember? We have talked about this over and over again! Two kids, two years apart. Boarding school when Karen reached middle school."

"May I remind you that you had her pushed up a grade even though she wasn't ready!"

"She was excelling past the children her age. It would have been detrimental to keep her in a class beneath her." Fitz had to walk away. He could take a lot of things from Mellie but he drew the line with the children. He adored those kids with all of his heart and it infuriated him when she spoke about them so willy nilly. Mellie loved them, but love had a different meaning to her. Love was pushing to succeed regardless of hurt feelings. Love was sacrifice and civic duties.

"Fitz, you are governor of California! We made this happen together! Because of the plans we made in that little apartment all those years ago. If you jump ship none of this will come to fruition." He couldn't deny that he owed Mellie everything. She picked him up when he was struggling to find his footing after law school. She made him someone. She loved him when no one else in the world was willing to do the job. She had changed so much over the years, from that gentle and caring woman into the possessive and controlling she was now. The person who saved him from his father was now becoming him. There was a time when she would defend him against Jerry. She would stand by him and call him out when he would try to lower Fitz's accomplishments. This was when the passion was strong in their relationship, but this waned around the time Karen was born. It was like Jerry found a way to show her the right way to view the world which meant Fitz was always wrong.

"Does it even matter what I want?"

"What do you mean? This  _is_  what you want! You wanted to become governor. You want to become President. I'm making this happen! I gave up my career, my ambitions to make things happen for you! I am giving you what you want!" It was this moment that he realized he had lost her. He always thought the presidency was the ultimate thing for him, but it wasn't. He just wanted something to love and never leave him. He wanted his wife to understand him and to cherish him even with his deep flaws. He wanted happiness and this was not it.

* * *

**2010**

"I don't understand why we're losing, Cyrus." Fitz was shuffling through the polling data of the east coast, each state he came across the numbers fading farther from victory. "Cyrus,  _why are we losing_?" He asked again. His confidant was busy on his phone, ignoring him.

"Well, Governor, maybe its because we don't have the right people on our side?" The tired man looked up from his phone to capture his gaze. Fitz always looked like that young confused college kid to Cyrus, the way he did when they first met.

"What does that mean? We have some of the best speech writers, campaign managers from former administrations—"

"No, no, no. See, that won't be enough. What we have isn't a problem with platform, its an image issue." Fitz cocked his eyebrow in confusion.

"Image? What is wrong with my image?"

"You look like a walking piece of cardboard on camera." A female voice with a hint of sensuality came from the door drawing their attention. Fitz felt his breath catch in his throat when he took in the vision in the doorway. She was petite, probably no taller than 5'4", sweet mocha skin that looked as delicious as a Hershey's Kiss, her dark hair was spun in perfect ringlets. She came farther into the room to give Cyrus's shoulder a squeeze.

"Excuse me?"

"You look bored in interviews and speeches. You're nice to look at, but there is no fire, no passion behind your words. The American people want to believe what you are saying and so far you sound like a high schooler who forgot to memorize his Spanish presentation. Oh, and your wife."

"What about my wife?"

"It looks like you guys haven't screwed in  _years_."

" _Excuse me_?" Fitz rose from his seat, clearly offended by her ability to see through their rouse.

"People care about these things, Governor. American's do not like being lied to, and they place a lot of emphasis on personal relationships. We have a lot of work to do."

"Who the hell are you?" A hint of amusement was hidden in the dark fortress of her round eyes. He was instantly captivated, regardless of how upset her words made him.

"Pope. Olivia Pope. And I'm the one who is going to get you into the White House."

" _This_  is what our campaign is missing, Fitz!" Cyrus interjected. "I'll let you two get acquainted." Cyrus sauntered out the office leaving them alone. He was so amused by this situation which further pissed Fitz off. How dare Cyrus bring in some young know it all as an attempt to save his run? Was this some sick joke?

"My campaign does not need some loudmouth who knows absolutely nothing about me. We are doing just fine." Olivia scoffed.

"Have you seen your ratings? I'm sure you have seeing as you were looking at them when I walked in the door." She walked over to him and looked into his eyes. He felt his legs wobbling beneath him. "You need me, Governor." He instantly knew he did, but in a way beyond what she was saying. Fitz was taken aback by what was going on inside him. The urge to grab her and thrust his lips to hers, the need to feel her small fingers intertwined with his. He had never felt anything like this in his life. Over the years of his faltering marriage many women have come to him, attractive and willing, yet he never felt compelled to court them. Something about this feisty woman in front of him, challenging him, made him want to throw away all concepts of morality.

"What makes you think I need you?" He threw back, gathering himself.

"I'm the best there is. I will eat, breathe and live Fitzgerald Grant until that first Tuesday in November. No one else can do what I can do."

"Oh yeah? And what is it that you do, ?"

"I fix things."

"And what makes you think you are the one that can fix me?" She didn't answer right away, instead she looked him over. She was trying to figure him out and she found the want inside of him when their eyes met again. Her mouth was parted slightly as they gazed at each other, the mutual desire becoming apparent between the two. She took a step back and turned her eyes away. Her guard was back up instantly.

"Lost causes are my speciality."

"Lucky for you, Ms. Pope, I fit into that category."

"Lets get started, then." She turned and left the office, Fitz trailing behind her like a lost puppy. He felt a giddiness bubble inside of him. He knew it the moment she walked in the door that they were destined for something. What it was, he couldn't place his finger on. But he knew that he was willing to overturn any and every obstacle that tried to keep him from finding out.


	14. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mellie won't let me see him...I have gone everyday and she is always there. She says I don't have the right.” In a way Mellie was right; she had no right to weep over this man that was hurt because of her bad decision. Even if every part of her belonged to him, she had no hold over him. It had been a week and he wasn't out the woods yet. As far as she knew, he was still in a medical induced coma, his injuries slowly recovering but still severe. The last time she saw him he was being wheeled away, broken and near death. All Olivia wanted was to look at him. To see him breath on his own accord or twitch.

 

 

_Take back that sad word good-bye_   
_Bring back the joy to my life_   
_Don't leave me here with these tears_   
_Come and kiss this pain away_   
_I can't forget the day you left_   
_Time is so unkind_   
_And life is so cruel without you here beside me_

“Olivia, you need to go home.” Stephen was staring at her from the opposite end of the desk. Olivia was staring into space, her body still numb.

“I'm fine.” She said quietly but still with some power. She had to stay strong even if she felt like passing out. No one needed to know that she was dying inside.

“No, you are not.” He got up and shut her office door and came back to the desk. “Liv, the man you love is fighting for his life and you're here driving yourself insane with work. You need rest.”

“I...I said I'm fine.” Stephen knew her so well. He knew she was resilient and could work through anything, but he also knew when she was running on E. Olivia was running herself thin, but she had no other choice. She had to find something to connect Hollis to the shooting and find Amanda Tanner. She had to make this right.

“Olivia, look at me.” She shut her eyes tight, the words bringing Fitz's face to her mind. She could hear his voice commanding her to stop being foolish and look at him. She hated herself for being so hard with him. She would do anything to look at him right now. A panicked knock on the door brought her back as Huck stepped in.

“Is it alright that I come in or...”

“Its fine, Huck. Whats up?”

“I was able to break in the FBI mainframe and find the files on the President's cell phone.” Olivia rose from her seat.

“And?”

“I'm in the process of decoding the memory card right now. I should have everything within the hour.”

“Alright. Keep my updated.” Olivia took a deep breath in attempts to calm herself. She wasn't prepared to find out who was on the other end of the call that night. How someone could have the nerve to talk to Fitz before shooting him...

“Have you seen him?” Stephen asked when Huck left them alone. She shook her head slowly.

“Mellie won't let me see him...I have gone everyday and she is always there. She says I don't have the right.” In a way Mellie was right; she had no right to weep over this man that was hurt because of her bad decision. Even if every part of her belonged to him, she had no hold over him. It had been a week and he wasn't out the woods yet. As far as she knew, he was still in a medical induced coma, his injuries slowly recovering but still severe. The last time she saw him he was being wheeled away, broken and near death. All Olivia wanted was to _look_ at him. To see him breath on his own accord or twitch. Secret service wouldn't even let her close enough to see him through the window.

“I have to solve this. I need to pin Hollis to the wall and repent for what we have done.”

“Olivia, Defiance didn't happen because of you. This was a group effort.”

“No one else can fix this. He was shot because of _me_. I am the one that jumped ship, I am the one who challenged Hollis. Everyone is suffering because of my being selfish. I let the team down! I let Fitz down.” Olivia watched her hands tremor and felt the exhaustion increase. She was wearing down. The pressure of it all was consuming her.

“You cannot take this on yourself! You did not put those bullets in his head! You alone did not rig that election.”

“I could have stopped it. I was the deciding vote. I could have stayed strong and believed in him but I got scared and gave in. Without me none of this would be happening. This is my fault. This is all my fault.”

* * *

 

“You're finally home.” Edison was sitting in the kitchen when Olivia walked in. She had been sleeping at the office since the shooting to stay close to Huck in case anything major happened. Stephen forced her to leave and followed her to ensure she didn't pull any tricks. She had talked to Edison a few times over the week but never for to long. She didn't have the heart to talk to him. She was broken and if he realized just how broken she was, it would all become clear.

“Hey. Didn't think you would be here.” She hung her coat in the closet and headed for the bedroom. She just wanted to lay in her bed and weep but Edison's presence made this option impossible.

“Are we going to talk?”

“About what, Edison?”

“About how I haven't seen you in a week? Whats going on, Liv?”

“I have been working.”

“You're always working. Its like you don't have time for me.” She groaned. He could be so annoying. Being with Edison was honestly like mothering a child sometimes. And not in the way like Fitz. Fitz constantly needed reassurance and could throw a good tantrum, but it was never to the point of constant complaining. Edison could complain and complain when he didn't get his way. He was self-absorbed and sometimes selfish and it was taxing.

“Edison, the _president_ was just shot. I'm sorry to tell you, but there are things going on that are little more important than me being here to tuck you in each night.”

“That was almost a week ago.”

“And?”

“Why are you running yourself so hard for him?”

“How can I not?”

“Liv, I know you. You are crashing and I don't know why this is hitting you so hard but you have to let me over the Chinese wall.”

“People are scared, Edison! There is a nutjob running rampant and I need to find them!”

“Why.”

“What do you mean why?”

“Why is this so important to you?”

“Because he's—” She caught herself before the revelation escaped her lips. Her arms were shaking as she crossed them over her chest. _Inhale.Exhale.Repeat. “_ Fitz is my best friend.” She finally said. It was true; that man made her feel so safe. He knew more things about her life than Stephen, knew her quirks and how to relax her at times like this. “Please leave.” She said to him as she made her way to her room.

“We aren't finished talking!”

“I am. I want to be alone right now. So go. Please.”

“Olivia—“

“Get out!” She slammed her door shut and sat on the edge of the bed. Her chest was heaving wildly, her attempts at breathing failing. She chanted her mantra over and over but she couldn't calm herself. The room seemed to be shrinking. The only thing that could calm her was him.

The sound of her doorbell rang throughout the apartment. She ignored it the first three rings, but finally pulled herself up to push Edison away.

“I'm not in the mood, Edi—Cy?”

“This a bad time?” Cyrus was standing before her, dark circles deep under his eyes and bottle of wine in hand.

“Perfect time, actually.” Her pulse was returning to normal and the tightness in her chest was vanishing. Cyrus got comfortable on the couch while she grabbed two glasses and the bottle opener. They sipped their wine in silence, the news on the television occupying them.

“How is he?” Olivia finally ruined the silence. She knew Cyrus got to see him everyday, and knowing the air Fitz had taken in was circulating inside her mentor's lungs picked away at her.

“As good as he can be right now. They brought him out of the coma a few days ago, so now we can only wait.”

“Is the prognosis good?”

“They expect him to wake up. But what we get once he does is where the worry is.”

“What do you mean?”

“The man was shot in the head. He could be a totally different person when he wakes up.” She nodded and turned her attention back to the news. “She won't let you see him?”

“Nope.”

“Thats so...so—“

“Its so Mellie.” Olivia chuckled as she finished off her glass. “She loves to utilize her selective memory. She loves to forget that she approved of my being with Fitz. It doesn't make me sleeping with him okay, but it sure as hell doesn't give her the right to keep me from seeing him when he's dying.”

“She's scared. We all are. We all sold our souls for that man and the thought that we may have to live without him? It's terrifying.”

“I just want to see him. To let him know that I'm here for him. The last time we talked I basically told him that I hated him.”

“He knows you love him.” Did he? When Fitz caught her eye at the birthday gala, he had so many questions in his eyes. Olivia could count on one hand how many times she told him that he was the love of her life. He was constantly reminding her.

“Anything new on the investigative front?”

“Huck is decoding his cell phone right now. Hopefully we will know who called him before he was shot and that can lead us to know who to look for.”

“It was Hollis.”

“Maybe so, but he wasn't the one that pulled the trigger. If we find who he hired we can trace it back to him and put them both away.”

“I don't think we can go the judicial route on this one, Liv. There is too much at stake.”

“Cyrus—“

“He shot Fitz! He killed Verna! Hollis is a very rich and powerful man. He would find a way out of intense jail time. We need to handle this ourselves.” The fire in his eyes scared Olivia. He was furious but most of all scared. Olivia would love to watch Hollis burn, but she had to place her faith in the system. Even if they knew all the ways around it.

“Cyrus, lets just not talk about this right now. Lets just worry about finding the shooter and then we can take it from there.” He raised his hands in defeat.

“Alright. How are you doing? You don't look so good, kid.”

“I'm doing the best I can. I can't sleep without him. I just want him to be ok.”

“He will be. I'm not the most religious person, but you just have to pray and keep faith. He will make it through this. That man is tough.” Olivia nuzzled into her friend's side and rested her head on his shoulder. They savored the moment of peace, both extremely relieved to let the stress roll away for a few moments. They were the only ones who truly understood how the other felt. They're mutual love for Fitz was all encompassing, and no one could understand that.

Both their phones went of and the moment was broken. Cyrus cocked his eyebrow at her in annoyance then walked into the kitchen to take his call.

“Hello?” Olivia answered.

“Olivia, you need to come in. Like, right now.” Huck sounded exasperated.

“Whats wrong?”

“I cracked the phone.”

“And?”

“You need to get in here.”

* * *

 

“Who is it?” Olivia threw her purse on the table and hoovered over Huck as he typed away on his computer.

“I decoded the phone and was able to get the phone number that called. The phone that contacted him was dead so it was basically untraceable. But, when I cross referenced the number with the others in my database, it came up in the log of Hollis Doyle's private phone.” Olivia felt her heart begin to race. This could be it.

“So this proves that whoever shot the president was working for Hollis?”

“It's possible. But, thats not all. The number came up another time. It came up under Amanda Tanner's name.”

“Excuse me? Are you telling me that Amanda Tanner shot the president?”

“There's more. Her name isn't Amanda Tanner. Her name is Blair Hunt. She's...she's like me. She's an assassin.” Olivia took a seat and fanned herself. This was all becoming extremely complicated. Amanda Tanner, the simple white house aid, was an assassin sent in to kill the president?

“That can't be possible. She was working in the White House!”

“She must have been planted by Doyle.”

“No, impossible. Langston and Chambers hand picked all of the staff.” Huck met her eyes and it all became clear as sunshine. “Billy Chambers never liked the President. He would do anything to get Sally in the oval. Chambers teamed up with Hollis! They could do almost anything.”

“Like assassinate the president.”

“Why would she call him before though?”

“She got personally involved. She was probably having doubts, and he didn't give her what she wanted.”

“She fell in love with him.” Olivia thought back to when she met Amanda—well, Blair—and the pictures of Fitz she had surrounding her apartment. The erratic behavior and desperation to speak to Fitz. “How do we find her?”

“Chances are she will be sent back to finish the job. So, we wait.”

“We can't just sit around and wait for her to appear! Fitz hasn't even woken up yet.” Huck cocked his head at her. It was like he figured out every aspect of her worry in that one moment.

“We don't have any other choice.”

“I can't just sit here and let Hollis and sally take this administration! They are ready to go to war! There is too much at stake here!”

“What are you gonna do, march into the White House and accuse them of trying to kill the president? With no evidence? The ball is in their court now. We need to stay on defense.” Olivia wasn't the type who could just wait for things to happen. She had to be in control at all times and forcing things to move at her pace. She knew taking the judicial route would require patience, but at this point she was at her end. She had to tell Cyrus. They had to take this into their own hands.

While sitting at a red light when driving home, Olivia contemplated visiting the hospital. She had already been there once today but she was not given access, per usual. Her heart couldn't take not seeing him for another day, but it would hurt more being fifty feet away and not be able to see him. She decided to go home and attempt to sleep. She only prayed Edison hadn't snuck his way back into her apartment. When she arrived home she sat down on her couch. She didn't even have the energy to take off her clothes or walk to her room. She just wanted to sit and shut everything off. It was a tribulation to just accept air into her lungs at this point.

She pulled out her phone and scrolled to the earliest section of her photo album. The first photo on her phone was one of her, Cyrus and Fitz at the prayer breakfast on the campaign trail. She zoomed in so only she and Fitz were visible. She stared intently at the picture doing her best to recreate the experience. She could feel his arm wrapped tightly around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She could still feel the smoothness of his blue button down that she had ironed that morning as they got ready together. That was a moment she could never forget, simply because it was the first moment of calm in their relationship. He could hold her close without fault. They could _be_ in front of a camera for only a moment and not have to worry. She longed to be back on the trail; Back to the days when she allowed herself to succumb to his charm and her desire for him. A simpler time.

The photo disappeared as her screen announced a call from Cyrus.

“Cyrus?”

There was a moment of silence.  
“Hello?” She said again.

“Livvie?” Her body went rigid and she stopped breathing for a moment. The voice was weak, but the baritone still held immense strength. The voice that was haunting her dreams was fresh once again.

“F-F-Fitz?” She closed her eyes and could feel his lips parting to a smile. She began to chuckle as tears escaped her lids. She didn't know any other way to release the tension inside of her.

“Sweet baby.”

“Its you.” She whispered. “It's really you.” She sat and listened to his sweet breathing for awhile. She had nothing else to say. She hadn't been near him, hadn't heard him breathe since that disastrous night. This was the first time since the shooting that she was reminded that he was truly alive. It was miraculous.

“Livvie?” Hearing him say her name again made her want to weep with joy.

“Yes?”

“Hi.” She placed her hand over her mouth to hide the sob. Did he have any idea how much that simple word meant? How much life it pumped into her? How much not hearing it shattered her? He was shattering her and she welcomed it.

“Hi.” 


	15. Blurred Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You care about me.” A coy smile was resting on his lips causing her to roll her eyes.  
> “Of course I care about you.”  
> “I'm the President of the United States.”  
> “I am well aware.”  
> “I have a job to do.”  
> “The job can wait.” She brought her fingers to his cheek and stroked him gently. A contented sigh left his lips, her touch relaxing him more than his medication. “I feel so awful. For the things I said.”  
> “Forget about it.”  
> “You thought I hated you. I could never hate you.” She was silent for a moment before standing up and stepping away to look out the window. “It's you who should hate me.”

_I know that this will hurt you_  
 _I know you'll cry_  
 _I know I called you selfish but that's a lie_  
 _I feel I know what's the best for us_  
 _Let's start over_

 

“Can I get you anything, Mr.President?” Cyrus was hoovering by the entrance to the Oval, half his body inside the door.

“A new body.” Fitz leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. His chest constricted tightly as the air entered and exited. His body was still in so much agony, it was a miracle he had made it here. He needed another three weeks of rest according to his doctors, but rest isn't a gift warranted to leader of the free world during world wide crisis. He was made aware that Sally Langston had made moves on his presidency three days after he had woken up. He was out the hospital the next day with no protest from Mellie or Cyrus. The shock on Sally's face when he walked into the defense briefing was one he wished to replay in his mind over and over. Healthy or not, Fitz refused to let the position he worked so hard for be snatched from beneath him.

“Sadly, I can't acquire that for you. But, I can make more pain medication available for you to take momentarily?”

“That would be nice.”

“How do you feel?” Cyrus came into the office completely, shutting the door behind him.

“Well, lets see. I was shot in the head, chest and arm. I was in a medically induced coma for over a week, woke up four days ago and am already back to work three weeks early. You take a guess how I feel.”

“Nice to see your wit is still in tact, sir.” Fitz closed his eyes as the pounding in his head returned, It was becoming his signal that it was time to take more of his plethora of medications. As if on queue his personal nurse followed by Mellie entered the office.

“Time for your medications, Mr.President.” The petite woman in scrubs had her long brown hair tied up and a timid smile on her face. He could tell that Mellie had said something intimidating to her in the hall.

“Nurse Mallory and I came to an agreement that we should cutback on the dosage. So he can stay more alert.” Mellie said with a satisfied smile. Cyrus rolled his eyes for Fitz.

“Mellie, the man was just released from the hospital two days ago. You don't have the right to dictate his dosages!”

“I just want to do what is best to get him back to working as normal as possible.”

“Mellie, I should be in the hospital right now. The last thing I need is to stop taking my meds.”

“Fitz, I'm only trying to help.”

“I think you've done enough of that.” She looked into his eyes, searching for a reason for his snapping.

“Mallory, Cyrus, leave for a moment. I need to tend to my husband.”

“But I have to give him his—“

“I can do it, thank you.” Mellie gave Mallory her signature bright smile of dismissal. Mallory left the medication on Fitz's desk and walked out with Cyrus not too far behind. Mellie walked across the room and poured Fitz a glass of water, then opened the medicine parcels one by one and handed Fitz his correct dosages to take.

“Are you feeling alright? Do you need more rest? I can cancel the rest of your meetings if you'd like.” Fitz took his medicine quietly, the pills sliding down with the cold water slowly. Mellie waited for him to finish.

“No. If you cancel my meetings it makes me look weak.”

“You _are_ weak, Fitz.”

“Sally Langston just tried to steal my presidency! Weakness is not an option.”

“You cannot run yourself too hard, honey.”

“Oh, don't honey me. Save it.” She looked taken aback by his words.

“I was at your bedside night and day, every moment that you were in the hospital. I think I deserve more respect than what you are giving me right now.”

“You didn't let her in.” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“What?”

“You never let Olivia in.”

“Who told you that?” Annoyance entering her voice.

“Does it matter? She came everyday and you kept her away. Why?”

“Why? What do you mean why? I am your wife, not that whore!”

“Watch your mouth.”

“She had no right!”

“She had every right!” When Cyrus told him that Olivia hadn't had the opportunity to see him since the gala, Fitz nearly stroked out. The image of Olivia trying to fight her way into his room but to no avail, day after day... It made his blood boil.

“Look, you are tired and need some rest. I am canceling the rest of your meetings and you are coming back to the residence.” Mellie turned on her heels and stormed out. Fitz wanted to throw something, but he could barely scrounge up the energy to move the papers on his desk. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep, but he had a job to do. He couldn't connect the dots of how Sally so easily took control. It was too easy, too quick and calculated. It was like she already had a plan in place. Cyrus refused to give him any details, just told him that he was handling it. It was making Fitz restless. As far as he knew, the person who shot him was still roaming the country free, and he had a feeling that he wasn't safe just yet.

He spun around in his chair and looked at the picture of the trio. He wanted to see Olivia so desperately. He could only imagine what she was going through, their last encounter not being a very good one. He could feel her relief through the phone when he called her, the sigh that escaped her lips was heavy and filled with fear. He could hear her fighting back tears and it made him feel weaker than he already was at the time. Knowing that she was suffering because of him made him feel so helpless. He just wanted to let her know that everything would be alright.

There was a soft knock on the door.

“Come in.” He spun around and was shocked to see her standing there. She was frozen, staring at him.

“Livvie.” There were tears in her eyes and he knew she was fighting everything within her to not run into his arms. “Come here.”

“I-I can't. I just came to look at you. Make sure you were in one piece.”

“Come here.” He said it louder this time, with more authority.She took a deep breath and closed the space between them. She placed her coat on the couch continued to watch him.

“I'm afraid to touch you.” She whispered. “I'm afraid you'll disappear.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” She kneeled next to him and took his hand in hers. She was shaking.

“Look at you. You shouldn't be working. You need to be resting. There is no reason you should be here three weeks before the doctors advised you to go!” Her anger was evident and it was comforting to Fitz. She was the only person close to him who seemed concerned about his being back to work. Mellie and Cyrus suggested he get rest, but they were basically pushing him out the hospital the moment he opened his eyes.

“You care about me.” A coy smile was resting on his lips causing her to roll her eyes.

“Of course I care about you.”

“I'm the President of the United States.”

“I am well aware.”

“I have a job to do.”

“The job can wait.” She brought her fingers to his cheek and stroked him gently. A contented sigh left his lips, her touch relaxing him more than his medication. “I feel so awful. For the things I said.”

“Forget about it.”

“You thought I hated you. I could never hate you.” She was silent for a moment before standing up and stepping away to look out the window. “It's you who should hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Olivia.” She turned to look at him and he saw it; this intense fear was in her eyes and it scared him. He had never seen that look on her before.

“You should. You should hate me.” She checked her watch. “I have to go.”

“Stay with me.”

“I can't. I have a meeting with Hollis.” He noticed her body tense up at the sound of his name. “Get some rest, Mr. President.” She grabbed her coat and was quickly out the door. Fitz's head was pounding again, his heart yearning for her touch. He knew better than to be here just in case Olivia decided to stop back after her meeting. She would chew him out, and as welcoming as that sounded, he knew better. He phoned for Mallory to bring a wheelchair to take him to the residence wing, knowing better than to try and walk there by himself. He couldn't stop thinking of the fear on her face and what caused it.

_“You should. You should hate me.”_

What does that mean? Why would Olivia say that? Something was wrong; he could feel it.

* * *

 

“Mr. President, do you have a moment?” Sally Langston was standing across the table from Fitz. They had just finished up a meeting with the ambassador of Turkey working on a possible alliance in the threat of oncoming war.

“What is it, Sally?” Fitz was wary around her, unsure if he could truly trust her after her stunt. She had been quiet since his return, doing her best to avoid him, which was not unwelcome.

“I just want to say that it truly is nice to have you back in the Oval. Where you belong.”

“Its good to be back. Did you enjoy your time keeping my chair warm?”

“In all honesty, no.” He retook his seat, his legs still unsteady. “I never took into consideration just how stressful the job is and you truly do a fantastic job with it. The American people voted you into the position, and it just didn't feel right being their without their true consent.” Fitz was searching her body language, looking for anything to punch a hole in her sincerity. He couldn't find a thing.

“Thank you, Sally. It really does mean a lot coming from you.”

“It was all honest, sir.” She smiled at him then took her leave. Fitz rubbed his head in confusion. None of this was adding up or making sense. For Sally to take his position just to come back and apologize for it? Olivia freaking out on him and telling him he should hate her? Olivia having private meetings with Hollis Doyle?

_Hollis Doyle._

He had to be the key to this mystery. He was the only one connected to all parties involved. Before he was shot, Langston and Doyle were attached at the hip which always struck him as odd. He had to talk to Hollis and get to the bottom of this. There was something going on under his nose and that made him uncomfortable. Fitz was going to get to the bottom of this.


	16. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There has always been someone else and there will always be someone else. I tried to let him go, I tried so hard. I thought I could live without him and be with you. Have the country house and the babies and the dreadfully boring life of a senators wife. I told myself that I wanted that. But he was always there! Every breath I take, every tree I walk past every time someone says hi to me I just...He is everywhere! And I can't have him. I can't have anyone or anything because I don't deserve anything. Why can't you understand that?”

_Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it_   
_And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you_   
_But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind_   
_Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside_   
_Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly_   
_'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering_   
_So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night_   
_And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry_

 

Olivia had no idea what her life had become and at this point she no longer possessed the energy to care. Life seemed to be speeding past her as she sat in her office staring out the window. Cases were coming in left and right yet she had no part in fixing them. Stephen was stepping up and the rest of her Gladiators were falling into place as she hoped they would. Her drive and ambition was drained from her. She felt like she was dying and in a way she really hoped she would. Death seemed a lot more peaceful than the typhoon of justice headed her way. Justice. What a funny word. _The quality of being fair and reasonable_. Whoever made up that definition had to be joking. There was no such thing as fair in this fucked up world. Everything, even the decisions made with the best intentions, came with a price.

“Liv?” Harrison had stepped into her office and Olivia didn't even bother to meet his eyes. She couldn't hide her vulnerability anymore, so she did her best to keep eye contact to a minimum.

“Yes?”

“We have a new client that will only speak to you directly. He says he will leave unless he talks to you and you only.”

“Who is it?”

“Senator Frasier.”

“You tell him that I sent you as my spokesperson. Tell him that I am indisposed from working at the moment and that you are taking my clientele.”

“He seemed pretty serious—“

“Harrison, I know you can handle it. So handle it.” He stayed in the doorway for another moment then left. Olivia felt like she was going to vomit. Those words; _Handle it_. They haunted her every waking moment. Olivia used to be the person who could handle any and everything. Now she could barely handle making coffee in the morning. The fixer who handled everyones problems was now the _problem_.

* * *

 

_“Liv, how did we get here?” Hollis was smacking his gum obnoxiously, his feet resting on his desk lazily._

_“I don't know. It could be when you blew up an office building killing six people. Or when you had the president shot. There are multiple examples of when this agreement veered off course, you take your pick.”_

_“Liv, sweetheart, you really gotta learn to let go! Its not good for that pretty skin of yours.”_

_“Hollis, this is not a joke! The man that you rigged an election for, the president of this country, was shot because of you! Why?”_

_“Because I told you. We had an agreement and my side of the bargain was not being fulfilled. Matters had to be taken into my own hands.”_

_“Killing Fitz? What would that have accomplished?”_

_“Langston was on board with starting that war with Afghanistan. The ink was fermenting just waiting for a pen before you meddled and had him woken up! Do you have any idea how much I have on the line here? How much money is tied up over there? This war is necessary, Olivia. And here you come meddling with plans, things that are way bigger than you. You think I can't finish this? That I can't make sure nothing goes astray next time? Amanda, or should I say Blair, is very dedicated to her work. It would bring her more joy to come and finish her business. You are getting a little too involved here, kid. You said you wanted out, I told you out didn't exist. You are in this._

_“Take notes from Mellie and Cyrus and keep your nose out of grown folks business. Do what you are told, show up when asked for and do not question the system. You don't want to end up like Verna, do you?”_

_Olivia felt all the air rush from her body instantly at Verna's name._

_“You didn't...”_

_“She was getting a bit nosy and started questioning the plan. She needed to be handled. I handled it. I suggest you get with the program unless you want to be handled as well.”_

* * *

 

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself as she attempted to shake the conversation with Hollis out of her head. It seemed to be running on a loop in her mind; every fifteen minutes it would play again, uninterrupted. Hollis threatened her, he killed Verna, he threatened to kill Fitz. No matter how many times the conversation played she could never decipher it in a way that showed her winning. She had no clue how to bring Hollis down, and even if she thought of a way, someone would end up hurt. She couldn't let Fitz get hurt again. But saving him meant a war, and she knew better than anyone that Fitz would never start a war without reason. He was in danger because of her yet again and she had not one clue how to save him.

* * *

 

“Olivia? Earth to Olivia?” Olivia looked up from her food to see Edison staring at her with annoyance.

“What?”

“What is going on with you?”

“I don't understand the question.”

“You are so distant! It's like I'm talking to myself most of the time!”

“All you talk about is yourself so whats the difference.” She said under her breath as she took a bite of broccoli.

“What?”

“Nothing, Edison.”

“Olivia, I don't know how to help you.”

“Then don't.” She got up from the table and walked into the living room. She wrapped herself in her blanket and searched for the television remote. Edison stepped in front of the tv.

“Please move.”

“We are having a conversation.”

“No, _you_ are having a conversation. I am trying to watch the news.”

“Olivia!”

“Jesus Christ, Edison! What do you want?”

“Talk to me! You are always sad, borderline depressed. You won't talk to me, or anyone for that matter. Stephen, Huck, no one at the firm knows whats wrong with you! You won't let me touch you. Something happened and you won't let me in! We are in a relationship and we have to communicate. Let down your Chinese wall! Talk to me!”

“I do not want to talk to you, to anyone! Just leave me alone.”

“No! Why don't you understand?”

“Because you can't understand! Anything about my life, my past my lack of a future. My life is beyond complicated, it makes complicated look like normal. You could never understand how much emotional paralysis it requires. The things I have done!” Olivia pulled her knees to her chest and bit her lip with all her might to fight her tears. She refused to let Edison see her cry. He took steps towards the couch. “Don't! Do not even _think_ about sitting near me.”

“Olivia, I cannot understand unless you try to explain. Whatever it is that is troubling cannot be as bad as you think. I am more understanding than you think!” A demented laugh left her lips.

“This is exactly why I refuse to talk to you. You are too involved with yourself to even think about the world I work in.” Edison reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box. Olivia rolled her eyes.

“Olivia, does this prove anything to you? I want to marry you! Spend the rest of my life with you! That takes trust and breaking down of walls. I want to work towards understanding your world! I want every aspect of you and your life. Don't you understand that?”

“Put that thing away.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said put it _away_!”

“Why?”

“Because there is no way I am marrying you.”

“Why not? We were engaged before and then you broke things off. We somehow found our way back to each other after all these years. We belong together, Liv. Think of the life I can give you! The senators wife: a nice house in the country and a few babies. I can give you a _great_ life! A life without complications! I can give you normal!”

“Edison.” Olivia was off the couch now and standing in front of the window. She couldn't look at him anymore, it was too pathetic. She no longer had sympathy inside of her soul, it had all been sucked away by the demons in her life. She felt nothing.

“I don't want that life. I don't want anything you think you can give me. I want you to leave.”

“I am not leaving here until you say yes.”

“I am not saying yes and you are not staying in my apartment in hopes that I change my mind, so you need to leave.”

“No!”

“Edison—“

“Olivia, I love you and I want you to marry me. I am not playing games!”

“There is someone else!” She screamed. She never meant for it to come out, but he was pestering her and her mind was full of thoughts and it just slipped. The shock on his face was devastating to Olivia for some reason. She had never seen Edison so taken aback before. He was always so sure of everything.

“There has _always_ been someone else and there will _always_ be someone else. I tried to let him go, I tried so hard. I thought I could live without him and be with you. Have the country house and the babies and the dreadfully boring life of a senators wife. I told myself that I _wanted_ that. But he was always there! Every breath I take, every tree I walk past every time someone says hi to me I just...He is everywhere! And I can't have him. I can't have anyone or anything because I don't deserve anything. Why can't you understand that?”

Edison was speechless. He was clutching the velvet box in his hand so tightly his knuckles were white. He was staring at the wall, disbelief on his face. Olivia didn't even feel sorry for him because he was getting a free pass. A pass out of her doomed life. She was saving him, a luxury that most involved in her life could not garner.

“I want you to leave.” She said quietly.

“Liv—“

“ _Get out_! This is not a compromise or a suggestion. Leave my apartment. Lose the key because I am changing the locks. Delete my number because we will not be speaking again. This is over.” She ran to her bedroom and shut the door. She stripped off her clothes and found her pajamas from the night before resting on her chair beside the window. She crawled into her sweet bed, her warm covers so inviting and nurturing. She allowed her face to sink into her pillow, the whiteness converging on her sight. She couldn't close her eyes, so she just looked on at the nothingness around her. There were two knocks on her door.

“Olivia, let me in. Please.”

“Edison go away.”

“Please—“

“ _Go away!”_ She screamed so loud that she even scared herself. She listened intently for the sound of her door opening and slamming shut and the relief of finally being alone enveloped her. The isolation she felt was comforting: she wanted nothing more than to be cut off from the world for as long as possible. Away from the reality that everything she cared for, per usual, would have to go.

The sound of her phone ringing brought irritation into her solitude and she contemplated ignoring it. She rolled over with a loud sigh and reached her hand out to answer it.

“Hello?” She was surprised by the weakness in her voice. She was so defeated.

“Livvie? Livvie, whats wrong?” Fitz. He didn't even need more than one word from her to know that something was up. He knew her, at least he thought he knew her.

“Why are you calling me?”

“I needed to hear your voice. But something is wrong, I can feel it. You sound...I can't put my finger on it but you sound different. What happened?” She so desperately wanted to reveal everything that has happened since Defiance to him, to come clean and let him help her. He would. Unlike Edison, Fitz could handle her life, the realities and dark truths that were required of her. He understood that they were necessary and he loved her enough to overlook them. But he couldn't know. His life was still in danger and the more they interacted, the weaker she would become.

“You think you know me...You don't know me.”

“I do know you.”

“You don't. You don't know the things I have done, the type of person I had to become to go through with these things...you don't know me and you don't want to know me.”

“Olivia, you are scaring me. Talk to me, baby.” The tears were falling steadily down her face now, the release she had been holding back for weeks. Her emotions had been imploding inside her, and now they were surfacing on the outside.

“You should hate me, Fitz.” She hung up the phone and rolled back to her left side. She let the tears fall steadily, no sobs or sounds escaping her. Just soundless tears. Why waste the screams when no one would hear her?


End file.
